Crude and Feckless

Potty Training

2009-09-18T00:05:00.001-04:00

That Sounds Delicious!

2009-09-17T00:05:00.002-04:00

Future Children Won't Have Time To Laugh

2009-09-16T00:05:00.006-04:00

The Day I Met Kevin McDonald (Canadian Actor)

2009-09-15T00:05:00.001-04:00

I Still Don't See The Point

2009-09-14T00:05:00.000-04:00

My 9-11-01

2009-09-11T18:19:00.012-04:00

INT. AN OFFICE IN LONG ISLAND, NEW YORK. WITH A VIEW OF THE WORLD TRADE CENTER THROUGH IT’S WINDOWS.
-

We see a shot of a clock on a desk, it clicks over to 8:46am. The camera pans back to show a young man at his computer entering information into an excel program. This is Kevin McDonald, he is 23 years old.
-

Kevin enters information into the excel spreadsheet, he checks his paper work and enters more information on his keyboard. He couldn’t look more bored.
-

GERALD

Hey, did you see this shit? Some asshole ran his plane into the World Trade Center.
-

Kevin looks up from his work and over at Gerald who has CNN.com open on his browser. Kevin looks from Gerald to the windows that run along the entire side of the building that faces the World Trade Center. From the angle that Kevin can see the buildings they are almost in line with each other. The buildings are many miles away but he can already see smoke billowing up.
-

KEVIN

How the hell does someone run into the World Trade Center? It’s a perfectly clear day.
-

MARIA

Probably fell asleep or something.
-

KEVIN

I remember one time I read about someone crashing a B-52 bomber into the Empire State Building, but that was in thick fog.
-

GERALD

This website is saying he was off course.
-

Kevin picks up the phone and dials.

KEVIN

Hey Jess, take a look out your window...
-

INT. JESSICA’S OFFICE, FURTHER OUT ON LONG ISLAND BUT ALSO WITH A PICTURESQUE VIEW OF NEW YORK CITY AND THE WTC.
-

Jessica turns and looks out her window with the phone to her ear.
-

JESSICA

Is that smoke coming off the World Trade Center?
-

KEVIN

Yeah, someone ran their Cessna into one of the towers.
-

JESSICA

How does someone run their plane into a building?
-

KEVIN

Maybe they passed out or something.
-

JESSICA

Okay, gotta go, busy. Love you.
-

KEVIN

Love you.
-

Kevin looks at the smoke coming off the World Trade Center one more time and then goes back to work. After a while he looks up again and as he is looking at the smoke he sees a huge flameball near the top of the building. The flameball only lasts for a split second. Kevin has unknowingly just witnessed the second plane crash into the World Trade Center.
-

KEVIN

Wow, the building’s actually on fire, it’s not just smoke.
-

Maria gets up from her desk and walks over to where Kevin sits to look out the window. There is no longer any fire that she can see.
-

MARIA

You’re crazy. There’s no fire.
-

KEVIN

It was only for a second, maybe it was the sun reflecting off the glass or something.
-

Gerald looks up from his computer.
-

GERALD

Another plane just hit the World Trade Center.
-

The office of approximately 80 people has quite a different feel to it already. There is a quite buzz going on.
-

MARIA

How do two planes hit the twin towers by mistake?
-

KEVIN

One could be a mistake...we’re under attack.
-

Kevin’s phone rings, it’s Jessica on the phone.
-

JESSICA

Another plane hit the buildings.
-

KEVIN

Yeah, I know. Listen, we’re being attacked.
-

JESSICA

What do you mean we’re being attacked?
-

KEVIN

This is no mistake. They’re intentionally running these planes into the towers.
-

JESSICA

Who?
-

KEVIN

I don’t know, it must be a terrorist attack.
-

JESSICA

What did we do?
-

KEVIN

They’re fucking terrorists. They don’t need a reason. I’ll call you back.
-

Kevin gets up and goes over to Gerald’s desk. Gerald has CNN.com open on his browser and is surfing through various news stories.
-

GERALD

They’re saying that there are two more planes headed towards Los Angeles.
-

KEVIN

Where are they now?
-

GERALD

It doesn’t say. It says they left from Boston.
-

RAJ

This says one just hit the Pentagon.
-

KEVIN

You’ve got to be shitting me.
-

Kevin sits down and stares out the window. All around him people are walking to other peoples desks to talk with each other.
-

MARIA

One just went down in Pennsylvania.
-

Kevin’s phone rings.
-

JESSICA

Why is this happening?
-

KEVIN

I don’t know baby. I love you.
-

A man who is standing near the windows turns and yells towards the office.
-

OFFICE WORKER

THE BUILDINGS ARE FALLING! THE BUILDINGS ARE FALLING!
-

Kevin sets down the phone and joins all the other office workers who are running towards the windows. Together they all watch as one of the buildings falls. From the distance they are from the buildings and from all the dust and smoke in the air, it appears as though the building has fallen sideways.
-

Kevin walks back to the phone. He looks a bit paler than he looked before.
-

KEVIN

Jess, I’m going home for the day. You should tell Steve that you’re going home too.
-

JESSICA

Alright, I’ll leave as soon as I can.
-

Kevin hangs up the phone and Peter, Kevin’s boss calls him into the warehouse.
-

KEVIN

I’m going home Peter.
-

PETER

I know there is a lot going on right now and everyone is really emotional, but we should really get back to work.
-

KEVIN

What?
-

PETER

This is what they want!
-

KEVIN

What who wants?
-

PETER

The terrorists. If we don’t keep working the terrorists win.
-

KEVIN

Your kidding right? Look, this could be World War Three for all we know. I’m going home to be with someone I love. I’m not staying here.
-

Peter and Kevin come out of the warehouse and into the main office area.
-

RAJ

H.R. says that we should all go home.

FADE TO BLACK.

Don't Stand So Close To Me

2009-09-11T00:05:00.000-04:00

This Is What I'm Thinking About

2009-09-10T00:05:00.002-04:00

09-09-09

2009-09-09T00:04:00.002-04:00

You'll Never Believe What Happened To Me!

2009-09-08T00:05:00.004-04:00

That's Why I Did It...

2009-09-07T00:05:00.001-04:00

Reality T.V.

2009-09-04T01:00:00.002-04:00

You're Just Setting Yourself Up For Disapointment

2009-09-03T01:00:00.001-04:00

It's Called a D.V.D.

2009-09-02T01:00:00.002-04:00

Global Warming

2009-09-01T01:00:00.002-04:00

Three Steps To A Better America

2009-08-31T01:00:00.003-04:00

Compassion

2009-08-28T11:28:00.002-04:00

I Hate It When This Happens

2009-08-27T04:00:00.000-04:00

Three Little Pigs

2009-08-26T01:47:00.001-04:00

Roy Scheider Takes a Picture

2009-08-25T00:28:00.003-04:00

The Proposal

2009-08-24T01:13:00.002-04:00

Run For It Marty!

2009-08-21T01:32:00.004-04:00

Nice To Meet You!

2009-08-20T08:40:00.001-04:00

They're Waiting Under The Stairs!

2009-08-19T00:43:00.002-04:00

What's His Name...

2009-08-18T08:27:00.004-04:00

Class Dismissed

2009-08-17T03:58:00.003-04:00

A Much More Interesting Presidential Plan

2009-08-14T06:47:00.002-04:00

What's Your Weakest Quality?

2009-08-13T07:05:00.002-04:00

I'll Have What He's Having

2009-08-12T07:10:00.002-04:00

Sharks!!!

2009-08-11T16:56:00.003-04:00

Just Look Down

2009-08-10T19:31:00.003-04:00

The Exorcist

2009-07-14T21:49:00.004-04:00

A Movie Theater Conversation

First guy: [whispering] "I thought this was the exorcist."

Second guy: "It is."

First guy: "Then what are they doing in Iraq?"

Second guy: "That's the priest. He finds something evil there."

First guy: "Man, did Iraq ever not suck?"

NYC Rooftop Bar

2009-07-13T19:09:00.012-04:00

Drinks with friends at a beautiful rooftop bar in New York City: $120

Drinks with friends just downstairs from previously mentioned bar: $80

Drunkenly exclaiming: "I hope the world does end in 2012 because at least then it all means something!": $0

A great night out with friends: Holy shit! $200 and a hangover.

I'm In Print!

2009-07-10T22:52:00.003-04:00

"Things are going to start happening to me now."

-Steve Martin, The Jerk

Bert and Ernie

2009-06-24T18:45:00.005-04:00

Ernie: "Bert, Bert."

Bert: "What is it Ernie?"

Ernie: "Whatcha thinkin' about Bert?"

Bert: "I'm thinking about my favorite number...6."

Ernie: "Wow Bert, that sounds kind of boring."

Bert: [sarcastically] "I'm glad you think everything I do is boring. Since everything you do is so interesting, what are you thinking about?"

Ernie: "Well Bert, I was thinking that it's about time we push our beds together."

Dora The Explorer

2009-06-22T21:06:00.005-04:00

Dora and Boots: "SWIPER, NO SWIPING!"

Swiper: "You're TOO LATE! [throws Dora's fruit basket into a nearby barn] You'll never find it now!"

Dora: "You know Swiper, you're a dick!"

Swiper: "Whaaa?"

Dora: "It would be one thing if you were always stealing our shit for some kind of financial gain. But you just steal our stuff and then throw it away. That's something only an asshole would do."

Swiper: "One time you and Boots stole my blueberries from where I live on Blueberry Hill."

Dora: [pulls a pistol from her backpack and points it at Swiper] "Yeah motherfucker, that's because I'm a HUMAN and you're a fuckin' FOX! I can do what I want."

Swiper: "D-d-d-d-Dora, n-no need to be rash!"

Boots: "Oh Shit!"

Dora: [shoots Swiper in the face] "He won't be bothering us anymore Boots."

Boots: "I think I'm gonna be sick."

Superman II

2009-06-18T14:21:00.003-04:00

Clark Kent: “Remember me?”

Guy in diner: “Four eyes? Yeah, I remember you. Didn’t I kick your ass in this diner two weeks ago?”

Clark Kent: “Somebody should teach you some manners.”

Guy in diner: “That’s what you said last time. Are you back for more?”

Clark Kent: “Quite the contrary sir, you see, I’m Superman and I gave up my powers two weeks ago in order to be with the woman I love.”

Guy in diner: [interrupting] “Oh shit, you’re Superman?”

Clark Kent: [Continuing] “After I gave up my powers I became such a raging pussy that my girlfriend didn’t like me anymore. So I’ve gotten my powers back and as my first order of business, I’m going to kick your ass.”

Guy in diner: “That really doesn’t seem fair.”
Copyright (c) 2008-2009 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

My Friend My Friend! I Have Very Good Price For You!

2009-06-17T19:59:00.005-04:00

Buying CD's in foreign bazaars is sometimes a challenge. Especially when the person who reproduced the CD doesn't know the name of the song and has to listen to the hook in order to figure it out. When you are reading the name of the song on the back of the CD it is nearly impossible to figure out what song it will end up being. On one of my ships we used to take bets on what title would end up being what song. Here are a few I've seen:

Title on CD: Do the jerk at work
Actual song: To legit to quit

Title on CD: Better Days
Actual song: Betty Davis Eyes

Title on CD: Everybody wants to ooh whoo ooh
Actual song: Everybody wants to rule the world
Copyright (c) 2008-2009 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

Why Would You Take Her There?

2009-06-16T21:45:00.007-04:00

My age: 5

Song: Funky Town by Lipps Inc

Lyrics: "Won't you take me to Funky Town?"

How I heard it: "Don't you take me to Pumpkin Town!"

This was one of my favorite songs when I was in kindergarten. However, the way I imagined it in my head was that this poor woman was being dragged off to Pumpkin Town by some horrible man.

I had nightmares about Maneater by Hall & Oates. Some crazy shark-woman going around eating men.

That Maneater needed to go eat the guy who's trying to drag that poor woman to Pumpkin Town.
Copyright (c) 2008-2009 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

Free Verse Monday

2009-06-15T13:19:00.003-04:00

Seven years ago I bought a new battery for my truck.
Today it died.
No time for mourning.
I asked a man I’d never met if he’d jump me.
We really ought to find a new way to say that.
On Friday I chose to wait till Monday to get more gas.
I regretted that today.
I chose the car wash option for ten dollars.
My car is still not clean.
Seeds are without intelligence.
They cannot find purchase in my air filter.
Windshield wipers like samurai swords.
Rain drops will do my bidding.

Randomness Sunday

2009-06-14T00:03:00.006-04:00

-Downtown Baltimore-

Woman on cell phone: "WELL ALL I KNOW IS, IF I EVER SAW A FLYING COCKROACH, I WOULD JUST DIE!"

-Across the street-

Woman in yard: "I know! I'll mow my lawn at 8:30 at night!"

-In the neighborhood-

Teenager in truck: "Yield signs are not for me!"

-My body-

Me: "After 31 years, you are now (all of a sudden) lactose intolerant. No more lactose for you!"

O.A.R.

2009-06-13T20:49:00.006-04:00

-Conversation from Seven Years Ago-

Me: "Hey this band is really good, who is this?"

Shad: "O.A.R."

-Six Years Ago-

Me: "This song is awesome, what band is this?"

Shad: "O.A.R."

-Five Years Ago-

Me: "This is a kick-ass song, who plays this?"

Shad: "O.A.R."

Repeat three more times.

-Last Night Playing Poker-

Me: "Good fucking music, who is this?"

Shad: "You're fucking kidding me right?"

Me: "Holy shit, it's O.A.R. isn't it?"

I think I'll download some of their music on itunes. I think I owe it to them.

By the way, O.A.R. is an awesome band.

It's Time We Rename The Earth

2009-06-12T18:34:00.007-04:00

All the other planets have cool and even inspirational sounding names:

Mercury - Liquid Terminator

Venus - Oprah's Book Club

Mars - Candy Bars

Jupiter - High School Bully

Saturn - Practical Car

Uranus - Haha!

Neptune - Spongebob's god

Pluto - Fuck you scientists. Pluto is still a planet.

Then we have Earth.

What kind of a stupid name is that?

Earth = Dirt

It's completely uninspired. I say if scientists can decide after all these years to disavow a planet (Pluto) then we can decide to rename the earth. Something cool please, we'll probably be stuck with it for another 5 billion years.

Alien

2009-06-12T15:21:00.004-04:00

Kane: [waking up] “What the hell happened?”

Ripley: “Well some kind of spider attached itself to your face for a couple of days.”

Kane: “I see…please go on.”

Ripley: “Well there really isn’t very much more to it. The spider fell off your face and died and now everything is peachy keen again.”

Kane: “Well I don’t know about you, but I feel fucking fantastic. Let’s have lunch!”
Copyright (c) 2008-2009 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

The World Is Not Enough

2009-06-10T19:04:00.007-04:00

James Bond: [in bed with Jones] "I was wrong about you."

Christmas Jones: "Yeah, how so?"

James Bond: "I thought Christmas only came once a year."

Christmas Jones: "Wait...did you just make a joke about coming?"

James Bond: "Just trying to be charming."

Christmas Jones: "I faked them you asshole."

After The Storm

2009-06-09T20:42:00.004-04:00

The more intense the storm, the nicer the sunsets...sometimes...

Get In The House Dorothy!

2009-06-09T17:54:00.013-04:00

I walked outside this afternoon just in time to see this front. I'm sure the pictures will do no justice to how amazing it looked.

Eminem and Sasha Cohen

2009-05-31T23:12:00.003-04:00

Bruno lands on Eminem at the MTV awards.

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that this was staged.

Holy Shit It's Slime Mold!

2009-05-29T18:40:00.007-04:00

So I saw this growing in my front yard yesterday.

"Great," I said to myself, "my house will soon be consumed by a giant fucking blob of this stuff."

It doesn't help that I've been trying to write a "horror" screenplay. My mind automatically "goes there".

Just in case anyone wants to know. It's called "Slime Mold". AKA "Dog Vomit Mold" (not kidding). And it's completely harmless.

Too bad.

I might of had some inspiration if had eaten my neighbor's dog.

All I'm Asking For Is A Clean Bloodmobile

2009-05-27T16:34:00.006-04:00

Worker: "Have you given blood before?"

Me: "Yes, numerous times."

Worker: "You aren't in our system."

Me: "For the love of God!"

Worker: "Have you ever been to Africa?"

Me: "Yes, however while I was there I did not sleep with any Africans, do drugs with any Africans, contract malaria or smallpox, or receive (money, sex, or drugs) in exchange for (sex, drugs, or money). At least not that I can remember."

Worker: "Have you had any vaccinations recently?"

Me: "Yeah, my job forced me to get the MMR vaccine last month even though I'm an American and obviously received it when I was two."

Worker: "Do you have any questions before you donate?"

Me: "Yeah, what's the deal with this bloodmobile?"

Worker: "What do you mean?"

Me: "It's clearly a biohazard. You're making me answer all these questions about whether or not I did any questionable things with men in Africa, meanwhile this place has dirt all over it and there are BLOOD...DROPS...EVERYWHERE I look!"

Worker: "Don't worry...we use iodine."

4. This Was on Amazon.com (My 5 Star Review)

2009-05-26T17:34:00.004-04:00

Uranium Ore

In preperation for the upcoming zombie apocalypse I bought this Uranium to give a little extra "umph" to the Miracle Grow that I usually spray on my garden. Being able to garden in the middle of the night was an unexpected benefit of this miracle product. The vegetables started to glow beautifully which made them easier to pick, however some of the little buggers do try to bite me while I'm working. I told my neighbor that he was welcome to anything in my garden not realizing how territorial the tomatoes had become. They didn't recognize him and he lost an arm. Fortunately he gained a tentacle in its place so it's all good.

3. This Was on Amazon.com (My 5 Star Review)

2009-05-25T15:02:00.007-04:00

Tuscan Whole Milk

I approached the Airport Security Gate and fed my bags into the x-ray machine.

"Sir," said the TSA agent, "is this your bag?"

"You know it is," I replied.

"There's no need to get testy sir," he said.

The agent escorted me over to a side table.

"Do you mind if I search your bag?" he asked.

"What will you do if I say no?" I replied.

"I'll take you in the back room and we'll strip search you," he said.

"Then by all means, go ahead and search," I said.

The agent opened my bag and peered inside.

"What do you call this sir?" the agent asked holding up a pair of nail clippers.

"Those are nail clippers," I said.

"I'm going to have to confiscate these," he said.

"That's alright," I replied, "they sell them for a dollar in the store next to my departure gate."

The agent looked at me with hate in his eyes. He looked back into my bag and pulled out my gallon of Tuscan Whole Milk.

"Sir, you can't take this on the plane," he said.

"Why not?" I asked.

"Because, if you have more than three ounces of a liquid you could use it to blow up the plane," he said.

I was astonished. I had no idea that Tuscan Whole Milk was so powerful.

"May I drink it now?" I asked.

"Yes," he said, "liquids are harmless once they are inside of you."

I drank the entire gallon of Tuscan Whole Milk that I had purchased on Amazon.com while the people behind me grew increasingly impatient.

It was delicious.

I did not blow up.

2. This Was On Amazon.com (My 5 Star Review)

2009-05-24T08:54:00.005-04:00

Zumas

"These are not jeans!" I said to my boss as he looked at me accusingly last casual Friday.

"I don't care what they are, you still can't wear them," he replied.

WHAM POW! FLYING ROUNDHOUSE KICK TO HIS STUPID FACE!

1. This Was On Amazon.com (My 5 Star Review)

2009-05-23T10:56:00.009-04:00

Three Wolves T-Shirt

At first I bought this shirt thinking it was a for the band Three Dog Night or that it was three dogs eating a cookie...either way I had to have it. When the shirt arrived in the mail I was furious for about two minutes, then I felt a little sick to my stomach because I had eaten too many chicken sausages, so I took some TUMS and felt better. After that I drank about 12 or 13 beers and fell asleep on the couch. I woke up around 3 in the morning and was going to go crawl into bed when I noticed the "Three Wolf Howling at the Moon" shirt that I had totally forgotten about. "Of course!" I said to myself, "Three Wolves Howling at the Moon makes a lot more sense than three dogs trying to eat a cookie." I couldn't believe how stupid and senseless I had been prior to this revelation. What got me the most upset is that I had gone to half a year of community college and usually consider myself an athlete and a scholar. The best thing about this shirt is that it is black which symbolizes (of course) night which is when the moon comes out. Also when I wear it and my arms are coming out of the arm-holes and my head is coming out of the head-hole it is kind of like I am a wolf/moon super-villain which does absolutely amazing things to my ego.

Contact

2009-05-17T22:31:00.003-04:00

Palmer: "Ellie, thank God you're alright!"

Ellie: "I can't believe it, this trillion dollar machine actually worked!"

Palmer: "Amazing! Where did you go?"

Ellie: "Panama City, Florida."

Nasa Fucks Up - Accidently Sends Space Shuttle to the Sun

2009-05-16T09:42:00.006-04:00

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article2431157.ece

Astronaut #1: "You know what I really hate? The sun!"

Astronaut #2: "Nuts."

City of Angels and Pay It Forward

2009-05-15T17:00:00.006-04:00

You wanted to see a movie that would make you feel like the world was a wonderful place.

Just when you achieve that feeling we're going to horribly kill the main character. Go fuck yourself!

Have a nice drive home.

Titanic

2009-05-14T21:44:00.009-04:00

Lizzy: "What the hell did you just do?"

Rose: "Nothing dear, I was just looking out at the night sea."

Lizzy: "Bullshit, I saw you. You just threw that black diamond into the ocean!"
-

Rose: "It was my diamond, I can do with it what I please."

Lizzy: "You had these people fly you all the way out to their boat so that you could tell your story and you had the diamond on you all this time?"
-

Rose: "Wasn't it a romantic story?"
-

Lizzy: "Bitch, I hope you fucking die in your sleep tonight!"

Caddyshack II

2009-05-13T15:26:00.006-04:00

Pitch Man: "I’d like to make ‘Caddyshack II’."

Movie Producer: "Sounds good. After all everyone loved Caddyshack. What shenanigans are the caddies going to get themselves into this time?"

Pitch Man: "Well there aren’t really any ‘caddies’ in the movie per se…I guess there’s one but he only caddies at the very beginning of the movie during the opening credits."

Movie Producer: "I see...No caddies…Are there any ‘shacks’ in the movie?"

Pitch Man: "Nope, no shacks whatsoever."

Movie Producer: "I like where you’re going with this. I assume we’ve secured the entire cast for a reprise of their roles?"

Pitch Man: "We have Chevy Chase but we’re going to completely bastardize his character."

Movie Producer: "How ‘bout Bill Murray?"

Pitch Man: "Replaced by Dan Akroyd. I’m sure it will be comedy gold though!"

Movie Producer: "Well, no matter what, Rodney Dangerfield has a built in audience."

Pitch Man: "Couldn’t get him."

Movie Producer: "No Rodney Dangerfield? Now I’m having second thoughts."

Pitch Man: "We got Jackie Mason!"

Movie Producer: "SOLD!"
Copyright (c) 2008-2009 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

Sorority Row (Trailer)

2009-03-22T22:28:00.007-04:00

Cassidy: "Ok, we're going to have to chop up the body."

Andy: (takes tire iron and plunges it through girls heart)

Cassidy: "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT FOR? IT WAS JUST A PRANK! SHE WASN'T REALLY DEAD!"

Andy: "Oh my God...WHAT DO YOU MEAN SHE WASN'T DEAD!!??"

Cassidy: "Wait a minute, I said we were gonna chop her up...why did you put a tire iron through her heart? That doesn't even make any sense."

Andy: "I thought she was a vampire."

Cassidy: "What the fuck are you talking about."

Andy: "I forgot which horror movie this was."
Copyright (c) 2008-2009 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

Those Damned Kids: Part Two

2009-03-16T19:15:00.005-04:00

Haha! Those crazy kids are at it again. I only wish they had had more time to put something sensible up. Still..."ASS COCK SALE" is pretty hilarious. Especially when you're on your way home from work.
Copyright (c) 2008-2009 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

Peter Pan

2009-02-08T19:07:00.006-05:00

Wendy: "Jesus Christ! Why the hell is Tinker Bell being such a bitch?"

Peter Pan: "Oh Wendy, she's just jealous. You see, she's in love with me!"

Wendy: "In love? Why that's the most preposterous thing I've ever heard!"

Peter Pan: "Why's that Wendy? After all, Tink and I have been fighting Captain Hook together in Neverland for a long time."

Wendy: "Think about it Peter. How would you ever consummate your love? She's only six inches tall, she'd surely be killed!"

Peter Pan: "Damn girl, you dirty! Get your ass up on dis bed!"

Top Gun

2009-02-03T19:19:00.007-05:00

Charlie: "You're late."

Maverick: "Yeah, sorry about that."

Charlie: "Wait...what's that smell?"

Maverick: "I guess I need a shower, I was just playing volleyball."

Charlie: "You're telling me that I risked my career to invite you over for a romantic dinner and you didn't take a shower before you got here? Next thing you're going to tell me is that you played volleyball in those jeans you're wearing."

Maverick: "Well actually, I did."

Charlie: "Oh my God, that's disgusting, I can't believe I was planning on having sex with you, your crotch must smell like sulfer and walnuts by now."

The Neverending Story

2009-01-30T18:02:00.007-05:00

Atreyu: "What are those two sphinxes?"

Engywook: "Those are the first of the two gates you must pass through before you reach the Southern Oracle! Of course, most people don't get that far..."

Atreyu: "Why?"

Engywook: "The Sphinxes eyes stay closed, until someone who does not feel his own worth tries to pass by."

Atreyu: "Then what?"

Engywook: "Laser beams shoot out of their eyes and vaporize whatever they hit. Remember Atreyu, when you go through the gates you must not doubt your own self worth or you will surely be destroyed!"

Atreyu: "Hmmm...maybe I should just go around them."

Engywook: "Oh, you can't do that."

Atreyu: "Why not?"

Engywook: "I don't know...you just can't."

Atreyu: "Look fucker, I'm not gonna get killed just because you like to get your jollies watching people die through your telescope."

SPEED

2009-01-29T04:18:00.003-05:00

BUS DRIVES OFF FREEWAY
15 DEAD

Fifteen people died yesterday in Los Angeles when a Metropolitan Transportation Authority bus drove off an incomplete section of the freeway. The bus was forced into the situation after a terrorist rigged it to explode if its speed dropped below 50 mph. NTSB Investigators are questioning police logic of trying to jump the bus over a gap in the highway without the use of a ramp. LAPD Captain McMahon has been quoted saying: “We thought that maybe all the heavy rebar and cement bags that were situated right before the gap would somehow magically act as a catapult and fly the bus safely to the other side.”

According to Channel 5 News helicopter footage, the bus nosedived 100 feet to the ground immediately after hitting the gap. A call to several local physics teachers revealed that no one who has graduated from high school should have expected a ten ton bus to be able to jump over a 50 foot gap in the freeway, especially if the bus in question does not have rocket propulsion. All police involved have been tested for possible drug use, results are pending.

Enemy Mine

2009-01-28T14:31:00.005-05:00

Jerry: "It is no longer my life that matters. I am not fat, I am not lazy. Davidge... I await a new life."

Davidge: "Oh, my God... Oh, my God, are you telling me you're pregnant? You're a woman?"

Jerry: "Yes...Davidge."

Davidge: "So...you and me...we could have been FUCKING this ENTIRE time???"

Grease

2009-01-16T21:14:00.006-05:00

Rizzo: "I went to the doctor and he said bein' pregnant's not the reason I missed my period."

Kenickie: "That's a relief."

Rizzo: "Yeah, turns out I'm menopausal."

Return Of The Jedi

2009-01-15T16:30:00.006-05:00

Han Solo: "I'm sure Luke wasn't on that thing when it blew."

Princess Leia: "He wasn't. I can feel it."

Han Solo: "You love him, don't you?"

Princess Leia: "Yes."

Han Solo: "All right. I understand. Fine. When he comes back, I won't get in the way."

Princess Leia: "Oh, Han, it's not like that at all. He's my brother."

Han Solo: "Really? Wait...didn't you make out with him not too long ago?"

Princess Leia: "No, it was just a kiss."

Han Solo: "From what I remember, it was extremely passionate."

Princess Leia: "It was nothing."

Han Solo: "From what I saw, I would have assumed you two were fucking."

Princess Leia: "Look, I'm offering myself to you, take it or leave it."

Han Solo: "No thanks your Highness, I don't go for that hill-billy shit."

Pet Sematary

2009-01-14T16:51:00.009-05:00

Jud: "Hey Louis, why so glum?"

Louis: "Our cat died."

Jud: "I'm sorry to hear about that, what happened?"

Louis: "You see that highway that runs through our front yard?"

Jud (looking at the highway): "Ah yes...You know Louis, there's a secret Indian burial ground near here. If we bury your cat there it might come back to life."

Louis: "Oh yeah, that's just what I need, a zombie cat."

Jud: "It's just a suggestion."

Louis: "How 'bout you suggest I put a fence in my front yard so my kid doesn't run into the street?"

Poltergeist

2009-01-13T20:05:00.007-05:00

Steve: "Wow, what an interesting day."

Diane: "You're tellin' me."

Steve: "Thank God you were able to get our daughter out of the TV, that was a close one."

Diane: "Personally, I think the high point was when the tree tried to eat our son."

Steve: "Oh, I forgot to tell you, you know that creepy clown that we got him for his birthday? It dragged him under the bed and tried to strangle him."

Diane (shakes head slowly): "Crazy clown...I'm just glad it's all over."

Steve: "Well, it's getting kind of late and we're obviously not going to move out of this house right away, I mean it's not like it's collapsed on itself or anything, so I'm gonna go out for a little while and leave you and the kids alone."

Diane: "Sounds good, I think I'll take a long bath."

Trading Places

2009-01-12T17:33:00.006-05:00

Randolph Duke (being wheeled out on a stretcher): "Where's Beeks? Where in the hell is Beeks?"

Billy Ray (to Louis): "Oh yeah, I forgot about that guy."

Louis: "I wonder what ever happened to him."

Billy Ray: "Well let's see, after he got knocked out we taped his mouth shut with electrical tape, stuffed him into a gorilla costume, and then put him a cage with a real gorilla."

Louis: "So I guess he's..."

Billy Ray: "Dead...probably dead by now."

Hackers

2009-01-11T10:17:00.005-05:00

Acid Burn: "Hey Crash, whatcha doin'?"

Crash: "I'm hacking into the F.B.I.'s mainframe, what do you think I'm doing?"

Acid Burn: "Your computer screen is just showing a really cool screensaver and your typing like crazy."

Crash: "Hackers don't need to see what they're typing, you'd know that if you were half the hacker that I am."

Acid Burn: "Okay, I can buy that you don't need to see what you're typing, but if you're hacking into the F.B.I.'s mainframe don't you need to see what's on their computer system?"

Crash: "No see, because all I'm doing is typing E=MC2 over and over again and eventually the computer will give me what I want."

Acid Burn: "E=MC2?"

Crash: "Yeah, haven't you ever seen a computer movie? E=MC2 can get you anything."

Back To The Future

2009-01-10T14:22:00.005-05:00

Mr. Strickland: "Am I to understand you're still hanging around with Dr. Emmett Brown, McFly? Let me give you a nickel's worth of free advice, young man. This so-called Dr. Brown is dangerous, he's a real nutcase. You hang around with him, you're gonna end up in big trouble."

Marty (smart-alecky): "Oh, yes sir."

Mr. Strickland (storming off): "You've got a real attitude problem, McFly. You're a slacker!"

Marty (to Jennifer): "What's his problem?"

Jennifer: "Actually Marty, I wanted to talk to you about that."

Marty: "About what?"

Jennifer: "You hanging around with Dr. Brown."

Marty: "What about it?"

Jennifer: "It doesn't make any sense. Why would you be friends with him? You're 17 years old. He's in his 60's."

Marty: "Would you believe that it's because I'm interested in his science experiments?"

Jennifer: "No."

Marty: "Homosexual relationship?"

Jennifer: "Nope."

Marty: "He has really good drugs."

Jennifer: "Ohhhhhh! Why didn't you say so?"

Footloose

2009-01-09T15:13:00.005-05:00

Rusty: "Did you hear about Ren?"

Lori: "No, what happened?"

Rusty: "Willard was out by the MacFarlan's barn last night smokin' a joint and he said he saw Ren drive up and just start dancing by himself, for hours."

Lori: "Maybe he's practicing or something."

Rusty: "No, Willard said there wasn't any music or anything. He said that Ren was just dancing and running around and that at one point he just started jumping off things and doing gymnastics."

Lori: "Damn, what a fucking loser!"

The Karate Kid

2009-01-08T13:51:00.006-05:00

Jennifer: "So Ali, are you gonna go to the Halloween dance with Daniel?"

Ali: "You mean the new kid that lives in the low rent apartments who's constantly doing chores for that crazy old Japanese man?"

Jennifer: "Ummm...yes?"

Ali: "Why would I go to the dance with him? Do you have any idea how rich my parents are?"

Jennifer: "I thought he had won your heart."

Ali: "Won my heart? Jennifer, Johnny is the best looking guy in school, his parents are richer than mine, and he has an awesome car. You want me to leave all that for the poor kid that he keeps beating up?"

Jennifer: "Yeah, why not?"

Ali: "I'm 18, I've got fucking standards!"

M.A.S.H.

2009-01-07T10:49:00.004-05:00

Klinger: "Something troubling you Hawkeye?"

Hawkeye: "Well, I didn't want to say anything..."

Klinger: "What's going on old buddy?"

Hawkeye: "I'm a little disturbed by something. You see, the Korean War only lasted three years."

Klinger: "And?"

Hawkeye: "Klinger, we've been here for 11 years."

Klinger: "You know I thought this tour was a bit long."

Hawkeye: "Where do all these wounded people keep coming from?"

Klinger: "I don't know, but that laugh track is scaring the shit out of me."

24

2009-01-06T11:42:00.010-05:00

Tony: "Fifteen nuclear bombs just went off on fifteen separate buses in the downtown area. We've gotta catch this guy before it gets any worse."

Jack: "Any worse? Are you kidding me? Everyone I have ever loved is dead and this city is under constant terrorist attack because the President is inexplicably always in town, even though he lives on the other side of the country."

Tony: "You seem down."

Jack: "Ya think? I've saved this country and the president several times and at least once a year, you bastards throw handcuffs on me and haul me away like I'm some kind of traitor. I'm feeling a little fucking under appreciated."

Audry: "At least we're together again!"

Jack: "I've been cheating on you."

Gossip Girl

2009-01-05T18:47:00.008-05:00

Blair: "Excuse me bartender, I'll have a dirty martini and my friend will have a..."

Chuck: "Scotch, rocks."

Bartender: "You're fucking kidding me right?"

Chuck: "What?"

Bartender: "I'm not serving two 16-year-olds. You think I want to go to jail?"

Blair: "That's ridiculous, we're not 16."

Bartender (to the other bartender): "HEY HENRY, TAKE A LOOK AT THIS SHIT, THESE TWO KIDS THINK I'M GONNA SERVE THEM."

Chuck: "Hey, there's no need to make a scene."

Bartender: "You know, usually kids wait till they're at least 18 to start sneaking into bars, and even then they sneak into hole-in-the-wall places that need the business. The drinks here cost $40 a piece, we don't need fucking kids in here, get the fuck out!"

Chuck: "Come Blair, this guy obviously doesn't know who we are."

Bartender: "Let me tell you something you little shit, guys like you are passed around like candy in prison, and that's exactly where you're headed, and your little girlfriend is headed straight for the bottom of the porn industry if she isn't careful."

This Is OUR Jurisdiction

2009-01-04T08:58:00.004-05:00

How it happens in the movies:

FBI Agent (to police on scene): "You're relieved of your command, this is our jurisdiction now."

Police Officer: "Like hell it is! This is my crime scene! You can take your jurisdiction and shove it up your ass!"

Reality:

FBI Agent (to police on scene): "You're relieved of your command, this is our jurisdiction now."

Police Officer: "Thank God! I thought you guys were never going to show up. If I don't take my kid to soccer practice tonight my wife is going to be pissed. See ya!"

Thank You Comedy Goddess

2009-01-03T00:16:00.009-05:00

Thank you so much to You have to be a Comedy Goddess To Endure for sending me this award. Of course these awards come with conditions. Apparently I must write down six random things about myself. Here goes:

1. I was part of the crew on the Kings Pointer training vessel that found the wreckage of Egypt Air Flight 990 on October 31, 1999. That was an interesting day.

2. I was almost killed at a casino in the Ukraine when I was 19 years old.

3. My favorite place that I have ever been is Constantza, Romania. I was only there for eight hours.

4. I can quote any scene from the movie Point Break by heart.

5. I was an extra in a failed television pilot for Aquaman which would have starred Lou Diamond Phillips, Ving Rhames, and Justin Hartley, the guy who plays the Green Arrow on Smallville.

6. I once let Colin Farrell into traffic in Coconut Grove while he was there filming Miami Vice.
Copyright (c) 2008-2009 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

Saved By The Bell

2009-01-02T16:16:00.006-05:00

Zach: "Listen Screech, something weird is going on at this school."

Screech: "Is this about who you're taking to the school dance?"

Zach: "No, I'm being serious, there's some weird shit going on and you're the only one I can trust."

Screech: "What are you talking about?"

Zach: "For one thing, have you noticed that there are only 15 kids in this entire school? It's you, me, A.C., Jessica, Kelly, Lisa, and nine other kids that nobody knows. I think it's even a different nine kids everyday, and the only time you see the other students is in the hallway."

Screech: "I think you're getting paranoid."

Zach: "Also, have you noticed that our classes are only two minutes long? We sit down, make a couple of jokes, the teacher gets out one sentence, and bam, the bell rings. Don't you think that's odd?"

Screech: "I just hope you get better before the big school dance! I hear Kelly really wants you to ask her to it."

Zach: "That's another thing! Why are all the girls at this school superhot 21-year-olds? Do you know that I even heard a rumor that Jessica's been stripping in Vegas?"

Screech: "I'd hit that!"

Still Don't Have A Name For This Decade!!!

2009-01-01T11:31:00.007-05:00

I can't believe we are almost at the end of this decade and we still don't have a name for it, like the 80's or 90's.

People say "oh well it's the aughts or it's the 2000's." I call bullshit. We never decided on anything. Nothing ever became part of the common vernacular.

When we refer to this decade in the future we're going to have to refer to a specific year. Like, "I remember back in '06." We won't be able to do the always reliable, "thing's were so great in the 90's" for this decade.

What's even more disturbing is that next decade will have a similar problem. We could potentially call it the "teens" but we won't even be able to start doing that until 2013. So what does that make 2010 - 2012? Chopped liver?

I guess it doesn't matter anyway. The Mayans have already predicted that it will all end in 2012.

Then again I tried as hard as I could to convince my mom that the world was going to end in 1999.

She didn't buy it.

Happy New Year!

2009-01-01T11:20:00.006-05:00

HAPPY 2009!

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,

And never brought to mind?

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,

And auld lang syne?

Let's hope this is a good one.

New Year's Eve

2008-12-31T14:58:00.006-05:00

Sometimes I think that New Year's Eve would be the best day to be born and that New Year's Day would be the absolute worst day in terms of partying.

If you were born on New Year's Eve, you're lucky from the start, even giving your parents a nice tax break for an entire year that they didn't have to pay for you.

Also, if you were born on New Year's Eve, you're born on World Party Day as opposed to World Hangover Day for those born on the first day of the year. Bummer for them. Anywhere in the world a New Year's Eve baby goes there is a party going on. ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD!

What's my point? My point is that I'm glad I was born in June.

Perfect distance from Christmas.

Happy New Year's Eve everyone!
Copyright (c) 2008 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

Grey's Anatomy

2008-12-30T17:56:00.009-05:00

Dr. Shepherd: "Dr. Grey, a man was just admitted with a live grenade embedded in his chest. We need you to hold the grenade so that it doesn't blow up while we operate."

Dr. Grey: "That's ridiculous."

Dr. Shepherd: "Why do you say that?"

Dr. Grey: "First of all, do you realize how unlikely that scenario is? Nothing like that ever happens in real life! Second, I'm not paid enough to take that kind of risk, not to mention that this is a job for the BOMB SQUAD!"

Dr. Shepherd: "But there's no one else available to do it, we need you."

Dr. Grey: "Why isn't there anyone else?"

Dr. Shepherd: "Well a plane with 250 people on it crashed into a passenger ferry just down the block and all the victims are still alive with critical injuries. Also four of the on-scene ambulances crashed into each other at the E.R. entrance and seven of our doctors were killed because they were out there smoking and making out with each other."

Dr. Grey: "In that case we better make it quick, I have plans to fuck at least two interns this afternoon."

Dr. Shepherd: "Well there's some good news for you. All the interns are still alive, but one got a pencil shoved through his eye while he was trying to save a busload of A-typical high school students who were fighting about what clique each one was in."

Dr. Grey: "Maybe you and I could fuck while we're operating on 'grenade guy'."

Dr. Shepherd: "I insist!"

E.R.

2008-12-29T17:14:00.007-05:00

Quality Inspector: "Well Dr. Weaver, we've completed our inspection of your hospital."

Dr. Weaver: "I trust everything is copacetic."

Quality Inspector: "Actually Doctor, we're a bit concerned about the abnormal number of deaths that take place here."

Dr. Weaver: "Well this is a hospital, people die here."

Quality Inspector: "I'm actually not talking about people who die after treatment, I'm talking about people who die during shootouts in the lobby."

Dr. Weaver: "Well this is Chicago."

Quality Inspector: "Yes Doctor, I understand, but our records indicate that you have had a shootout take place in this hospital once a year, for each of the past 20 years, usually on Christmas. Has it ever occurred to you that maybe you should beef up security, or maybe install a metal detector?"

Dr. Weaver: "No one ever mentioned it before."

HOUSE, M.D.

2008-12-28T10:09:00.008-05:00

Dr. House: "Well, all the other tests we've performed on this patient have failed, in addition to making him blind and a multiple amputee. I think it's time we put him in for an MRI."

Dr. Foreman: "Um doctor, has it ever occurred to you that the MRI machine might be broken?"

Dr. House: "No, why?"

Dr. Foreman: "Well, every single time we put a patient in the MRI they have a seizure...without fail. Accept for that one time you put an 800 pound man in there and he broke the machine. Lucky for him I guess, otherwise he would have had a seizure too."

Dr. House: "I had no idea."

Dr. Foreman: "Are you really even a doctor? I could get better medical information from the Internet. You realize that you're supposed to diagnose patients right? You're not supposed to just keep guessing until something works."

Dr. House: "You're fired."

Dr. Foreman: "I quit, hopefully I can work for a qualified employer. There's no telling how much damage you've already done to my career."

CSI: MIAMI

2008-12-27T20:01:00.006-05:00

Horatio (to tech guy): "Alright, I just shot at the fleeing suspect's car and I hit his gas tank. I need you to plug that information into your computer program and tell me how far he can get before his gas runs out."

Tech Guy: "Wait, why do you have a weapon? You're a CSI. Aren't you supposed to be in a lab somewhere buried knee deep in cases? Do you have any idea how many crimes are committed in this town?"

Horatio: "Never mind that. I need you to plug the information I've given you into your computer."

Tech Guy: "Look buddy, even if a computer program like that did exist, there are an impossible number of variables we are dealing with."

Horatio (sarcastically): "Give me one."

Tech Guy: "First, how do you even know you hit the gas tank? Second, assuming that you did hit it, did you hit the top, middle, or bottom of it? Third, how much gas was in the tank? Was it full or near empty?"

Horatio: "I asked for one, not three. Why do you always have to make me feel stupid?"

Tech Guy: "I'm calling internal affairs on your ass."

Tequila Sunset

2008-12-26T19:57:00.007-05:00

Scene: 1997, Bar Tending.

I didn't even know they let 19-year-olds bar tend.

We are slammed and I'm feeling like Tom Cruise on his first night bar tending at TGIF in Cocktail.

"YOU BITCH! WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST TELL ME IT WAS A RUM AND COKE!!???"

I reach into the mug cooler to retrieve a beer mug and drop it back into the cooler as I'm picking it up.

Without looking I stick my hand back into the cooler. Obviously a bad idea.

Do you know how hard it is to permanently remove your fingerprint? I do. You have to cut DEEP.

I tuck my now slightly lighter thumb in my hand and head out of the bar to seek medical attention.

As I leave the bar I hear one of the other bartenders yell:

"HEY, WHO THE FUCK SPILLED GRENADINE ALL OVER EVERYTHING?"

Happy Christmas

2008-12-25T14:41:00.003-05:00

All I want for Christmas is for my hangover to go away.

Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

Christmas Eve Thoughts

2008-12-24T13:51:00.005-05:00

So I planted three Red Maples in my backyard this week.

And I'm thinking to myself:

"I have no idea what I am doing. There is no fuckin way these things survive."

I'm taking bets anyway.

But then as I am thinking about this another thought occurs to me:

Birds shit out seeds that become trees in the middle of an empty field. It can't be that hard.

Haiku:

Bird shits out a seed.

Tree sprouts in an empty field.

My trees should survive.

I think that logic is sound.

Chick Fil-A

2008-12-23T13:18:00.004-05:00

I order my meal and hand the cashier my credit card.

"What's your name," he asks me after looking at the card.

"Kevin," I reply.

"Right," he says.

"Is that the new thing?" I ask.

"Well, it's my thing," he says, "I still haven't figured out what I'm gonna do if someone doesn't know their name though."

Rent-A-Cop

2008-12-22T21:01:00.005-05:00

A taxi pulls into the gated community at one in the morning and continues down the road for a mile before dropping off his fare in front of a beautiful Florida home. The security guard pulls behind him as he travels back towards the community entrance, orange lights flashing.

“What the fuck,” the taxi driver says. He looks at his speedometer, he is traveling 35 mph. The speed limit is 25.

He pulls the taxi over and gets out angry.

“What the hell do you want?” he yells at the security guard who is still in his car.

The security guard jumps out of his car, gun drawn, shaking wildly. The taxi driver calmly plucks the gun from the security guards grasp.

“If you’re going to point a gun at somebody, you don’t stick it out in the air like that,” the taxi driver instructs the security guard, “you hold it close to your body, like this, with both hands, that way they can’t take it from you.”

The taxi driver gets in his car and drives away. He passes over a small bridge and tosses the gun into the water.

Six months later, the taxi driver is at home with his new girlfriend. She is a manager at a security firm.

They sit and eat jalapeños straight from the jar while they watch TV. He tells her the story of the Security Guard and the Taxi Driver. When he is finished, she stares at him.

“Six months ago, we had a security guard show up who said he lost his weapon,” she says, “he didn’t have any explanation. We fired him.”
Copyright (c) 2008 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

What's 20% Of Zero?

2008-12-21T22:27:00.008-05:00

Scene: Outdoor Restaurant, Coconut Grove, Florida

Our stoned waiter takes our orders and disappears. Twenty minutes later he places two dishes on the table behind us (which is unoccupied) and leaves.

I think nothing of it. After all, service couldn't be that bad could it?

Another TWENTY minutes go by and I haven't seen our waiter. I flag down the manager and tell him of our predicament.

The manager talks to someone and figures out that the food on the unoccupied table is ours. He goes over to the table, picks up the two plates and:

PUTS THEM DOWN ON OUR TABLE!

We were in our car a minute later.

We did not leave a tip.

You're Gonna Need a Bigger Boat

2008-12-20T20:22:00.008-05:00

I'm slowly coming to the realization that nobody reads blogs on Saturdays and Sundays. At least, LESS people read MY blog on Saturdays and Sundays. Then again I have a kid, and I'm not out getting wasted on the weekend anymore. Therefore, here are some things on my mind:

There are certain movies that I ALWAYS have to watch if they happen to be on while I am going to bed. Usually there are not two on at the same time. God forbid I would have to make a choice between two favorite movies. I was put to such a choice recently. Both Jaws and Predator were on at the same time. A tiny conflict occurred in my brain, on the one hand, Predator may be the most "timeless" action movie I have ever seen, in that it could literally have come out in the theater this week and you wouldn't say that the effects, story-line, and action sequences looked dated. Plus, I fuckin' love Arnold Schwarzenegger. On the other hand, Jaws is PERFECT, albeit dated. Plus Roy Scheider saying, "Smile you son of a bitch" is probably my favorite scene in a movie EVER.

Jaws won. I did not know that about myself until I was put to the test. Sometimes you must be tested!

Which takes me to my next topic. I DO NOT like the commercial for Direct TV that uses the scene from Poltergeist where the little girl says, "They're here." That girl is dead. She died when she was young. Who pimps out a dead child to sell products? It's just not right.

Third topic. I CONSISTENTLY write "write" when I mean "right" and vice versa.

The End.

Chicks, Man, Chicks

2008-12-19T21:43:00.007-05:00

1999. Bourbon Street, New Orleans.

My friend and I are enjoying Bourbon street as much as two 20 year olds can. I'm half in the bag and feeling good as we make our way down the street. It is a good night and I've already told the guy who is holding a ten foot tall cruicifix in the middle of the street and telling everyone they are going to hell that: "I LOVE (improper name for a part of the female anatomy)."

To which he responded, "YOU SIR, ARE THE DEVIL!"

Good night, good night.

As we approach an intersection, we see a man leaning against a post in the middle of the street.

"You guys need some coke?" he asks. It's always funny to me how sometimes they use code and sometimes they don't.

"No thanks," I say and we continue walking past him.

"I don't think you guys want to go down that street any further," he says to us.

"Ok Mr. Drug Dealer, we're gonna listen to you," I think to myself as we continue past him. Me and my friend are looking for chicks and nobody is going to stop us.

Halfway down the block I realize our mistake.

"Hey big fella," I hear from a balcony, "why don't you come up here, I got a surprise for ya."

We look around and realize there is not a single "chick" around.

"I think this must be the gay section," I say quietly to my friend.

"No shit," he responds.

We turn around and start to walk back from where we came. We are looking for "chicks" after all. As we pass by the drug dealer, he turns to us and says:

"I told ya."
Copyright (c) 2008 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

The Olive Garden

2008-12-18T20:55:00.010-05:00

I know, I know, The Olive Garden isn't real Italian food.

Five words for ya.

Unlimited fuckin' breadsticks and salad.

We sit down place our orders and the food comes out. The waiter comes to check on us.

I didn't notice before, but our waiter is quite obviously stoned out of his mind.

Now I don't care if someone wants to get laced at work. Especially at a restaurant. But come on man, be a functional pot-head.

"Would you all like some more breadsticks and salad?" he asks.

"That would be great." I say.

15 minutes later our waiter shows up again (no breadsticks or salad).

"Would you all like some more breadsticks and salad?" he asks, "what did you have to drink sir?"

"Diet coke," I reply, "also salad and breadsticks."

20 minutes later our waiter shows up again (no breadsticks, no salad, no diet coke).

"Would you all like some more breadsticks and salad? he asks, "oh do you need another drink sir?" At this point, it is just funny, I am imagining that this guy thinks that it is his first time at our table every time he shows up.

It happened THREE more times.

The final time he asked, he was just as sincere as the first time.

"Would you like some more breadsticks and salad?" he asks.

Laughing, I say, "Sure, that and the bill."

MOVIE LINE OF THE DAY:

"That's Naomi. And she's been working here WAY too long. But she's actually a pretty sweet girl... when she's drunk." -Waiting

Meeting Noah Wyle

2008-12-17T20:40:00.006-05:00

Scene: Baltimore International Airport, 5:30 am

I get in line for security, bleary eyed and tired. I look at the person in front of me and have that "hey I know that guy" feeling. It's Noah Wyle (from ER), but I am tired and my brain is working slowly.

He looks at me and realizes that I recognize him.

"Are you..." I start to ask.

"Yes," he says.

"Oh," I say, "well it's very nice to meet you."

"Nice to meet you as well," he says.

I've met movie stars in the past, my basic policy is to leave them alone, satisfied that I now have a story to tell.

We move along through the line and finally get to the security agent who is checking ID's. Noah Wyle hands her his ID and she looks at him.

"Do I know you?" she asks.

"You might," he responds, "I was on TV."

Completely ignoring what he just said, she says, "I know you from somewhere."

Being a huge movie buff, I stand their and laugh in my head thinking about the fact that this woman thinks she knows him personally and doesn't recognize him as being a TV star.

She hands his ID back and he walks towards the x-ray machine, I hand her my ID and she says, "I know that guy from somewhere."

"That's Noah Wyle," I say, "he was on ER for like a decade."

Completely ignoring what I just said, she shakes her head and says, "I don't know where I know that guy from."

MOVIE LINE OF THE DAY:

"Um... I'm not going to be able to continue this conversation." -Noah Wyle in Donnie Darko

Good Fella

2008-12-16T21:02:00.008-05:00

Scene: NYC

Sometimes, when you least expect it, you get to witness something truly amazing occur right in front of you.

Like when Ashley Simpson fucked up on Saturday Night Live. I sat their with my jaw hanging open like I was at a Milli Vanilli concert.

But that isn't what this story is about.

One day in the late 90's I was walking somewhere in NYC when I witnessed something truly amazing. From my vantage point it was almost as if I were the director of a movie and I had just yelled "ACTION".

It was a beautiful summer day and it seemed like everyone I passed was in good spirits. In front of me a wedding was letting out of a church. The bride and groom emerged with giant smiles on their faces and headed towards their limo that was parked at the curb. I slowed down to watch them and to avoid walking right into a giant group of people as they left the church.

I noticed a police officer across the street, leaning against a wall watching the happy couple come out of the church. The police officer had a smile on his face and looked truly happy for the new couple. I paused on the sidewalk to decide how I would get around the large crowd that had amassed and reflected on what a nice day I was having in the greatest city in the world.

That is when the trouble started.

Directly across from church was a construction crew working on a small building. Some of them started the usual hooting and hollering but one worker who was standing on the sidewalk started yelling and making crude jokes loud enough for the newly wed couple to hear.

"I hope they get in the limo soon," I thought to myself, but the bride had stopped at the limo door and was adjusting her dress before she could get in. Both the bride and groom were pretending not to hear the construction worker, determined not to let him ruin their moment.

I looked over at where the police officer was standing only to find that he was on the move, and headed straight for the unruly construction worker at a brisk walk. As the police man walked I watched as he pulled his nightstick from his belt and placed it up against his arm so that it ran parallel from his wrist to his elbow.

I couldn't believe what I was about to see.

The construction worker, unaware of the approaching police man, continued his verbal assault.

"YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GET MARRIED MAN," the construction worker yelled, "YOU GET FUCKED FOR LIFE!!!"

A split second after he finished yelling this the cop intercepted him and without breaking stride brought his forearm and the nightstick to the construction workers face. The construction worker was caught completely off guard and fell to the floor clutching his head. The police officer continued walking, turned the corner, and disappeared. A few seconds later, the construction worker got back up and shook his head. He looked embarrassed and ashamed. He turned, walked into the construction site and was gone.

Nobody on the street said a fucking word.

MOVIE LINE OF THE DAY:

"Now you's can't leave." -A Bronx Tale

Cow Thoughts

2008-12-15T19:53:00.009-05:00

Sometimes my memories include situations that are extremely unique. Situations that I have never heard another person talk about.

For example:

One time I threw a dead cow off a ship in the middle of the Pacific ocean.

Bet you never heard anyone say that before.

How I came upon this situation was: I was on-board a cargo ship. One of the things we were transporting from Hawaii was cows.

Hawaii has more cows than they can handle.

The cows were located at the back of the ship, that way the handlers could easily get rid of their shit with fire hoses. Just spray and whoosh over the side. As you can imagine it smelled pretty bad on the stern.

Another thing we carried was molasses. That was at the front of the ship. Somehow the bow actually smelled worse. Yes, thousands of gallons of molasses actually smelled worse than lots and lots of cow shit.

One day, I walked onto the stern and happened upon a "cowboy" who was having a hard time dragging a dead calf. I was not aware of this, but since cows are packed like "cattle" in transit, some of them die on the way. It is not a pleasant existence for a cow. People talk about feeling sorry for the stuff we eat. I've seen it first hand. Not good. And we're not even talking about veal. However, on that same note, at least these cowboys weren't doing anything bad to these cows. They were packed like sardines, yes, but the conditions on some of these "farms" are a hundred times worse....Let me get off my animal cruelty is bad tangent.

Anyway this cowboy asked me for a hand, I asked him where we were going with this dead cow, and he said, "Over da side bro."

As I watched the floating cow head towards the horizon I imagined a shark happening upon it. The shark has never had steak, only seafood.

"Holy shit!" says the shark.

MOVIE LINE OF THE DAY:

"I'll catch you on the flip side." -The Boondock Saints