Crude and Feckless: 5 Stars

Showing posts with label 5 Stars. Show all posts

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

4. This Was on Amazon.com (My 5 Star Review)

In preperation for the upcoming zombie apocalypse I bought this Uranium to give a little extra "umph" to the Miracle Grow that I usually spray on my garden. Being able to garden in the middle of the night was an unexpected benefit of this miracle product. The vegetables started to glow beautifully which made them easier to pick, however some of the little buggers do try to bite me while I'm working. I told my neighbor that he was welcome to anything in my garden not realizing how territorial the tomatoes had become. They didn't recognize him and he lost an arm. Fortunately he gained a tentacle in its place so it's all good.

Monday, May 25, 2009

3. This Was on Amazon.com (My 5 Star Review)

Tuscan Whole Milk

I approached the Airport Security Gate and fed my bags into the x-ray machine.

"Sir," said the TSA agent, "is this your bag?"

"You know it is," I replied.

"There's no need to get testy sir," he said.

The agent escorted me over to a side table.

"Do you mind if I search your bag?" he asked.

"What will you do if I say no?" I replied.

"I'll take you in the back room and we'll strip search you," he said.

"Then by all means, go ahead and search," I said.

The agent opened my bag and peered inside.

"What do you call this sir?" the agent asked holding up a pair of nail clippers.

"Those are nail clippers," I said.

"I'm going to have to confiscate these," he said.

"That's alright," I replied, "they sell them for a dollar in the store next to my departure gate."

The agent looked at me with hate in his eyes. He looked back into my bag and pulled out my gallon of Tuscan Whole Milk.

"Sir, you can't take this on the plane," he said.

"Why not?" I asked.

"Because, if you have more than three ounces of a liquid you could use it to blow up the plane," he said.

I was astonished. I had no idea that Tuscan Whole Milk was so powerful.

"May I drink it now?" I asked.

"Yes," he said, "liquids are harmless once they are inside of you."

I drank the entire gallon of Tuscan Whole Milk that I had purchased on Amazon.com while the people behind me grew increasingly impatient.

It was delicious.

I did not blow up.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

2. This Was On Amazon.com (My 5 Star Review)

Zumas

"These are not jeans!" I said to my boss as he looked at me accusingly last casual Friday.

"I don't care what they are, you still can't wear them," he replied.

WHAM POW! FLYING ROUNDHOUSE KICK TO HIS STUPID FACE!

Saturday, May 23, 2009

1. This Was On Amazon.com (My 5 Star Review)

Three Wolves T-Shirt

At first I bought this shirt thinking it was a for the band Three Dog Night or that it was three dogs eating a cookie...either way I had to have it. When the shirt arrived in the mail I was furious for about two minutes, then I felt a little sick to my stomach because I had eaten too many chicken sausages, so I took some TUMS and felt better. After that I drank about 12 or 13 beers and fell asleep on the couch. I woke up around 3 in the morning and was going to go crawl into bed when I noticed the "Three Wolf Howling at the Moon" shirt that I had totally forgotten about. "Of course!" I said to myself, "Three Wolves Howling at the Moon makes a lot more sense than three dogs trying to eat a cookie." I couldn't believe how stupid and senseless I had been prior to this revelation. What got me the most upset is that I had gone to half a year of community college and usually consider myself an athlete and a scholar. The best thing about this shirt is that it is black which symbolizes (of course) night which is when the moon comes out. Also when I wear it and my arms are coming out of the arm-holes and my head is coming out of the head-hole it is kind of like I am a wolf/moon super-villain which does absolutely amazing things to my ego.