Bert and Ernie

Ernie: "Bert, Bert."

Bert: "What is it Ernie?"

Ernie: "Whatcha thinkin' about Bert?"

Bert: "I'm thinking about my favorite number...6."

Ernie: "Wow Bert, that sounds kind of boring."

Bert: [sarcastically] "I'm glad you think everything I do is boring. Since everything you do is so interesting, what are you thinking about?"

Ernie: "Well Bert, I was thinking that it's about time we push our beds together."

Copyright (c) 2008-2009 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

Dora The Explorer

Dora and Boots: "SWIPER, NO SWIPING!"

Swiper: "You're TOO LATE! [throws Dora's fruit basket into a nearby barn] You'll never find it now!"

Dora: "You know Swiper, you're a dick!"

Swiper: "Whaaa?"

Dora: "It would be one thing if you were always stealing our shit for some kind of financial gain. But you just steal our stuff and then throw it away. That's something only an asshole would do."

Swiper: "One time you and Boots stole my blueberries from where I live on Blueberry Hill."

Dora: [pulls a pistol from her backpack and points it at Swiper] "Yeah motherfucker, that's because I'm a HUMAN and you're a fuckin' FOX! I can do what I want."

Swiper: "D-d-d-d-Dora, n-no need to be rash!"

Boots: "Oh Shit!"

Dora: [shoots Swiper in the face] "He won't be bothering us anymore Boots."

Boots: "I think I'm gonna be sick."

Copyright (c) 2008-2009 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

M.A.S.H.

Klinger: "Something troubling you Hawkeye?"

Hawkeye: "Well, I didn't want to say anything..."

Klinger: "What's going on old buddy?"

Hawkeye: "I'm a little disturbed by something. You see, the Korean War only lasted three years."

Klinger: "And?"

Hawkeye: "Klinger, we've been here for 11 years."

Klinger: "You know I thought this tour was a bit long."

Hawkeye: "Where do all these wounded people keep coming from?"

Klinger: "I don't know, but that laugh track is scaring the shit out of me."

Copyright (c) 2008-2009 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

24

Tony: "Fifteen nuclear bombs just went off on fifteen separate buses in the downtown area. We've gotta catch this guy before it gets any worse."

Jack: "Any worse? Are you kidding me? Everyone I have ever loved is dead and this city is under constant terrorist attack because the President is inexplicably always in town, even though he lives on the other side of the country."

Tony: "You seem down."

Jack: "Ya think? I've saved this country and the president several times and at least once a year, you bastards throw handcuffs on me and haul me away like I'm some kind of traitor. I'm feeling a little fucking under appreciated."

Audry: "At least we're together again!"

Jack: "I've been cheating on you."

Copyright (c) 2008-2009 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

Gossip Girl

Blair: "Excuse me bartender, I'll have a dirty martini and my friend will have a..."

Chuck: "Scotch, rocks."

Bartender: "You're fucking kidding me right?"

-

Chuck: "What?"

-

Bartender: "I'm not serving two 16-year-olds. You think I want to go to jail?"

-

Blair: "That's ridiculous, we're not 16."

-

Bartender (to the other bartender): "HEY HENRY, TAKE A LOOK AT THIS SHIT, THESE TWO KIDS THINK I'M GONNA SERVE THEM."

-

Chuck: "Hey, there's no need to make a scene."

-

Bartender: "You know, usually kids wait till they're at least 18 to start sneaking into bars, and even then they sneak into hole-in-the-wall places that need the business. The drinks here cost $40 a piece, we don't need fucking kids in here, get the fuck out!"

-

Chuck: "Come Blair, this guy obviously doesn't know who we are."

-

Bartender: "Let me tell you something you little shit, guys like you are passed around like candy in prison, and that's exactly where you're headed, and your little girlfriend is headed straight for the bottom of the porn industry if she isn't careful."

Copyright (c) 2008-2009 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

This Is OUR Jurisdiction

How it happens in the movies:

FBI Agent (to police on scene): "You're relieved of your command, this is our jurisdiction now."

Police Officer: "Like hell it is! This is my crime scene! You can take your jurisdiction and shove it up your ass!"

Reality:

FBI Agent (to police on scene): "You're relieved of your command, this is our jurisdiction now."

Police Officer: "Thank God! I thought you guys were never going to show up. If I don't take my kid to soccer practice tonight my wife is going to be pissed. See ya!"

Copyright (c) 2008-2009 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

Saved By The Bell

Zach: "Listen Screech, something weird is going on at this school."

Screech: "Is this about who you're taking to the school dance?"

Zach: "No, I'm being serious, there's some weird shit going on and you're the only one I can trust."

Screech: "What are you talking about?"

Zach: "For one thing, have you noticed that there are only 15 kids in this entire school? It's you, me, A.C., Jessica, Kelly, Lisa, and nine other kids that nobody knows. I think it's even a different nine kids everyday, and the only time you see the other students is in the hallway."

Screech: "I think you're getting paranoid."

Zach: "Also, have you noticed that our classes are only two minutes long? We sit down, make a couple of jokes, the teacher gets out one sentence, and bam, the bell rings. Don't you think that's odd?"

Screech: "I just hope you get better before the big school dance! I hear Kelly really wants you to ask her to it."

Zach: "That's another thing! Why are all the girls at this school superhot 21-year-olds? Do you know that I even heard a rumor that Jessica's been stripping in Vegas?"

Screech: "I'd hit that!"

Copyright (c) 2008-2009 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

Grey's Anatomy

Dr. Shepherd: "Dr. Grey, a man was just admitted with a live grenade embedded in his chest. We need you to hold the grenade so that it doesn't blow up while we operate."

Dr. Grey: "That's ridiculous."

Dr. Shepherd: "Why do you say that?"

Dr. Grey: "First of all, do you realize how unlikely that scenario is? Nothing like that ever happens in real life! Second, I'm not paid enough to take that kind of risk, not to mention that this is a job for the BOMB SQUAD!"

Dr. Shepherd: "But there's no one else available to do it, we need you."

Dr. Grey: "Why isn't there anyone else?"

Dr. Shepherd: "Well a plane with 250 people on it crashed into a passenger ferry just down the block and all the victims are still alive with critical injuries. Also four of the on-scene ambulances crashed into each other at the E.R. entrance and seven of our doctors were killed because they were out there smoking and making out with each other."

Dr. Grey: "In that case we better make it quick, I have plans to fuck at least two interns this afternoon."

Dr. Shepherd: "Well there's some good news for you. All the interns are still alive, but one got a pencil shoved through his eye while he was trying to save a busload of A-typical high school students who were fighting about what clique each one was in."

Dr. Grey: "Maybe you and I could fuck while we're operating on 'grenade guy'."

Dr. Shepherd: "I insist!"

Copyright (c) 2008 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

E.R.

Quality Inspector: "Well Dr. Weaver, we've completed our inspection of your hospital."

Dr. Weaver: "I trust everything is copacetic."

Quality Inspector: "Actually Doctor, we're a bit concerned about the abnormal number of deaths that take place here."

Dr. Weaver: "Well this is a hospital, people die here."

Quality Inspector: "I'm actually not talking about people who die after treatment, I'm talking about people who die during shootouts in the lobby."

-

Dr. Weaver: "Well this is Chicago."

Quality Inspector: "Yes Doctor, I understand, but our records indicate that you have had a shootout take place in this hospital once a year, for each of the past 20 years, usually on Christmas. Has it ever occurred to you that maybe you should beef up security, or maybe install a metal detector?"

Dr. Weaver: "No one ever mentioned it before."

Copyright (c) 2008 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

HOUSE, M.D.

Dr. House: "Well, all the other tests we've performed on this patient have failed, in addition to making him blind and a multiple amputee. I think it's time we put him in for an MRI."

Dr. Foreman: "Um doctor, has it ever occurred to you that the MRI machine might be broken?"

Dr. House: "No, why?"

Dr. Foreman: "Well, every single time we put a patient in the MRI they have a seizure...without fail. Accept for that one time you put an 800 pound man in there and he broke the machine. Lucky for him I guess, otherwise he would have had a seizure too."

Dr. House: "I had no idea."

Dr. Foreman: "Are you really even a doctor? I could get better medical information from the Internet. You realize that you're supposed to diagnose patients right? You're not supposed to just keep guessing until something works."

Dr. House: "You're fired."

Dr. Foreman: "I quit, hopefully I can work for a qualified employer. There's no telling how much damage you've already done to my career."

Copyright (c) 2008 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

CSI: MIAMI

Horatio (to tech guy): "Alright, I just shot at the fleeing suspect's car and I hit his gas tank. I need you to plug that information into your computer program and tell me how far he can get before his gas runs out."

Tech Guy: "Wait, why do you have a weapon? You're a CSI. Aren't you supposed to be in a lab somewhere buried knee deep in cases? Do you have any idea how many crimes are committed in this town?"

Horatio: "Never mind that. I need you to plug the information I've given you into your computer."

Tech Guy: "Look buddy, even if a computer program like that did exist, there are an impossible number of variables we are dealing with."

Horatio (sarcastically): "Give me one."

Tech Guy: "First, how do you even know you hit the gas tank? Second, assuming that you did hit it, did you hit the top, middle, or bottom of it? Third, how much gas was in the tank? Was it full or near empty?"

-

Horatio: "I asked for one, not three. Why do you always have to make me feel stupid?"

-

Tech Guy: "I'm calling internal affairs on your ass."

Copyright (c) 2008 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

Ensign Ricky

Captain Kirk: "We're going down to the planet. Spock, Jim, Ensign Ricky let's go."

Ensign Ricky: "With all due respect Captain, I'm not going."

Kirk: "What do you mean your not going, what is this insubordination?"

Ricky: "Sir, I can't believe you haven't been fired. You've lost over 300 Ensigns since you were promoted to Captain of the Enterprise. Do you have any idea how expensive it is to train a new officer? Have you ever heard of the enlisted?"

Kirk: "But Ricky, our mission is to go where no man has gone before..."

Ricky: "Sir, seriously go fuck yourself. I'm not going to get myself killed by a randomly shot laser just so you can get your dick wet fucking whatever humanoid female alien you happen to come across. Who the fuck pays for all this shit anyway?"