Potty Training

Copyright (c) 2008-2009 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

That Sounds Delicious!

Copyright (c) 2008-2009 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

Future Children Won't Have Time To Laugh

Copyright (c) 2008-2009 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

The Day I Met Kevin McDonald (Canadian Actor)

Copyright (c) 2008-2009 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

I Still Don't See The Point

Copyright (c) 2008-2009 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

My 9-11-01

INT. AN OFFICE IN LONG ISLAND, NEW YORK. WITH A VIEW OF THE WORLD TRADE CENTER THROUGH IT’S WINDOWS.
-

We see a shot of a clock on a desk, it clicks over to 8:46am. The camera pans back to show a young man at his computer entering information into an excel program. This is Kevin McDonald, he is 23 years old.
-

Kevin enters information into the excel spreadsheet, he checks his paper work and enters more information on his keyboard. He couldn’t look more bored.
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GERALD

Hey, did you see this shit? Some asshole ran his plane into the World Trade Center.
-

Kevin looks up from his work and over at Gerald who has CNN.com open on his browser. Kevin looks from Gerald to the windows that run along the entire side of the building that faces the World Trade Center. From the angle that Kevin can see the buildings they are almost in line with each other. The buildings are many miles away but he can already see smoke billowing up.
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KEVIN

How the hell does someone run into the World Trade Center? It’s a perfectly clear day.
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MARIA

Probably fell asleep or something.
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KEVIN

I remember one time I read about someone crashing a B-52 bomber into the Empire State Building, but that was in thick fog.
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GERALD

This website is saying he was off course.
-

Kevin picks up the phone and dials.

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KEVIN

Hey Jess, take a look out your window...
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INT. JESSICA’S OFFICE, FURTHER OUT ON LONG ISLAND BUT ALSO WITH A PICTURESQUE VIEW OF NEW YORK CITY AND THE WTC.
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Jessica turns and looks out her window with the phone to her ear.
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JESSICA

Is that smoke coming off the World Trade Center?
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KEVIN

Yeah, someone ran their Cessna into one of the towers.
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JESSICA

How does someone run their plane into a building?
-

KEVIN

Maybe they passed out or something.
-

JESSICA

Okay, gotta go, busy. Love you.
-

KEVIN

Love you.
-

Kevin looks at the smoke coming off the World Trade Center one more time and then goes back to work. After a while he looks up again and as he is looking at the smoke he sees a huge flameball near the top of the building. The flameball only lasts for a split second. Kevin has unknowingly just witnessed the second plane crash into the World Trade Center.
-

KEVIN

Wow, the building’s actually on fire, it’s not just smoke.
-

Maria gets up from her desk and walks over to where Kevin sits to look out the window. There is no longer any fire that she can see.
-

MARIA

You’re crazy. There’s no fire.
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KEVIN

It was only for a second, maybe it was the sun reflecting off the glass or something.
-

Gerald looks up from his computer.
-

GERALD

Another plane just hit the World Trade Center.
-

The office of approximately 80 people has quite a different feel to it already. There is a quite buzz going on.
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MARIA

How do two planes hit the twin towers by mistake?
-

KEVIN

One could be a mistake...we’re under attack.
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Kevin’s phone rings, it’s Jessica on the phone.
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JESSICA

Another plane hit the buildings.
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KEVIN

Yeah, I know. Listen, we’re being attacked.
-

JESSICA

What do you mean we’re being attacked?
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KEVIN

This is no mistake. They’re intentionally running these planes into the towers.
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JESSICA

Who?
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KEVIN

I don’t know, it must be a terrorist attack.
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JESSICA

What did we do?
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KEVIN

They’re fucking terrorists. They don’t need a reason. I’ll call you back.
-

Kevin gets up and goes over to Gerald’s desk. Gerald has CNN.com open on his browser and is surfing through various news stories.
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GERALD

They’re saying that there are two more planes headed towards Los Angeles.
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KEVIN

Where are they now?
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GERALD

It doesn’t say. It says they left from Boston.
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RAJ

This says one just hit the Pentagon.
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KEVIN

You’ve got to be shitting me.
-

Kevin sits down and stares out the window. All around him people are walking to other peoples desks to talk with each other.
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MARIA

One just went down in Pennsylvania.
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Kevin’s phone rings.
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JESSICA

Why is this happening?
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KEVIN

I don’t know baby. I love you.
-

A man who is standing near the windows turns and yells towards the office.
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OFFICE WORKER

THE BUILDINGS ARE FALLING! THE BUILDINGS ARE FALLING!
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Kevin sets down the phone and joins all the other office workers who are running towards the windows. Together they all watch as one of the buildings falls. From the distance they are from the buildings and from all the dust and smoke in the air, it appears as though the building has fallen sideways.
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Kevin walks back to the phone. He looks a bit paler than he looked before.
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KEVIN

Jess, I’m going home for the day. You should tell Steve that you’re going home too.
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JESSICA

Alright, I’ll leave as soon as I can.
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Kevin hangs up the phone and Peter, Kevin’s boss calls him into the warehouse.
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KEVIN

I’m going home Peter.
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PETER

I know there is a lot going on right now and everyone is really emotional, but we should really get back to work.
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KEVIN

What?
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PETER

This is what they want!
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KEVIN

What who wants?
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PETER

The terrorists. If we don’t keep working the terrorists win.
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KEVIN

Your kidding right? Look, this could be World War Three for all we know. I’m going home to be with someone I love. I’m not staying here.
-

Peter and Kevin come out of the warehouse and into the main office area.
-

RAJ

H.R. says that we should all go home.

FADE TO BLACK.

Copyright (c) 2008-2009 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

Don't Stand So Close To Me

Copyright (c) 2008-2009 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

This Is What I'm Thinking About

Copyright (c) 2008-2009 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

09-09-09

Copyright (c) 2008-2009 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

You'll Never Believe What Happened To Me!

Copyright (c) 2008-2009 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

That's Why I Did It...

Copyright (c) 2008-2009 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

Reality T.V.

Copyright (c) 2008-2009 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

You're Just Setting Yourself Up For Disapointment

Copyright (c) 2008-2009 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

It's Called a D.V.D.

Copyright (c) 2008-2009 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

Global Warming

Copyright (c) 2008-2009 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

Three Steps To A Better America

Copyright (c) 2008-2009 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

Compassion

Copyright (c) 2008-2009 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

I Hate It When This Happens

Copyright (c) 2008-2009 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

Three Little Pigs

Copyright (c) 2008-2009 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

Roy Scheider Takes a Picture

Copyright (c) 2008-2009 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

The Proposal

Copyright (c) 2008-2009 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

Run For It Marty!

Copyright (c) 2008-2009 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

Nice To Meet You!

Copyright (c) 2008-2009 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

They're Waiting Under The Stairs!

Copyright (c) 2008-2009 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

What's His Name...

Copyright (c) 2008-2009 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

Class Dismissed

Copyright (c) 2008-2009 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

A Much More Interesting Presidential Plan

Copyright (c) 2008-2009 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

What's Your Weakest Quality?

Copyright (c) 2008-2009 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

I'll Have What He's Having

Copyright (c) 2008-2009 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

Sharks!!!

Copyright (c) 2008-2009 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

Just Look Down

Copyright (c) 2008-2009 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

The Exorcist

A Movie Theater Conversation

First guy: [whispering] "I thought this was the exorcist."

Second guy: "It is."

First guy: "Then what are they doing in Iraq?"

Second guy: "That's the priest. He finds something evil there."

First guy: "Man, did Iraq ever not suck?"

Copyright (c) 2008-2009 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

NYC Rooftop Bar

Drinks with friends at a beautiful rooftop bar in New York City: $120

Drinks with friends just downstairs from previously mentioned bar: $80

Drunkenly exclaiming: "I hope the world does end in 2012 because at least then it all means something!": $0

A great night out with friends: Holy shit! $200 and a hangover.

Copyright (c) 2008-2009 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

I'm In Print!

"Things are going to start happening to me now."

-Steve Martin, The Jerk

Bert and Ernie

Ernie: "Bert, Bert."

Bert: "What is it Ernie?"

Ernie: "Whatcha thinkin' about Bert?"

Bert: "I'm thinking about my favorite number...6."

Ernie: "Wow Bert, that sounds kind of boring."

Bert: [sarcastically] "I'm glad you think everything I do is boring. Since everything you do is so interesting, what are you thinking about?"

Ernie: "Well Bert, I was thinking that it's about time we push our beds together."

Copyright (c) 2008-2009 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

Dora The Explorer

Dora and Boots: "SWIPER, NO SWIPING!"

Swiper: "You're TOO LATE! [throws Dora's fruit basket into a nearby barn] You'll never find it now!"

Dora: "You know Swiper, you're a dick!"

Swiper: "Whaaa?"

Dora: "It would be one thing if you were always stealing our shit for some kind of financial gain. But you just steal our stuff and then throw it away. That's something only an asshole would do."

Swiper: "One time you and Boots stole my blueberries from where I live on Blueberry Hill."

Dora: [pulls a pistol from her backpack and points it at Swiper] "Yeah motherfucker, that's because I'm a HUMAN and you're a fuckin' FOX! I can do what I want."

Swiper: "D-d-d-d-Dora, n-no need to be rash!"

Boots: "Oh Shit!"

Dora: [shoots Swiper in the face] "He won't be bothering us anymore Boots."

Boots: "I think I'm gonna be sick."

Copyright (c) 2008-2009 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

Superman II

Clark Kent: “Remember me?”

Guy in diner: “Four eyes? Yeah, I remember you. Didn’t I kick your ass in this diner two weeks ago?”

Clark Kent: “Somebody should teach you some manners.”

Guy in diner: “That’s what you said last time. Are you back for more?”

Clark Kent: “Quite the contrary sir, you see, I’m Superman and I gave up my powers two weeks ago in order to be with the woman I love.”

Guy in diner: [interrupting] “Oh shit, you’re Superman?”

Clark Kent: [Continuing] “After I gave up my powers I became such a raging pussy that my girlfriend didn’t like me anymore. So I’ve gotten my powers back and as my first order of business, I’m going to kick your ass.”

Guy in diner: “That really doesn’t seem fair.”
Copyright (c) 2008-2009 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

My Friend My Friend! I Have Very Good Price For You!

Buying CD's in foreign bazaars is sometimes a challenge. Especially when the person who reproduced the CD doesn't know the name of the song and has to listen to the hook in order to figure it out. When you are reading the name of the song on the back of the CD it is nearly impossible to figure out what song it will end up being. On one of my ships we used to take bets on what title would end up being what song. Here are a few I've seen:

Title on CD: Do the jerk at work
Actual song: To legit to quit

Title on CD: Better Days
Actual song: Betty Davis Eyes

Title on CD: Everybody wants to ooh whoo ooh
Actual song: Everybody wants to rule the world
Copyright (c) 2008-2009 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

Why Would You Take Her There?

My age: 5

Song: Funky Town by Lipps Inc

Lyrics: "Won't you take me to Funky Town?"

How I heard it: "Don't you take me to Pumpkin Town!"

This was one of my favorite songs when I was in kindergarten. However, the way I imagined it in my head was that this poor woman was being dragged off to Pumpkin Town by some horrible man.

I had nightmares about Maneater by Hall & Oates. Some crazy shark-woman going around eating men.

That Maneater needed to go eat the guy who's trying to drag that poor woman to Pumpkin Town.
Copyright (c) 2008-2009 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

Free Verse Monday

Seven years ago I bought a new battery for my truck.
Today it died.
No time for mourning.
I asked a man I’d never met if he’d jump me.
We really ought to find a new way to say that.
On Friday I chose to wait till Monday to get more gas.
I regretted that today.
I chose the car wash option for ten dollars.
My car is still not clean.
Seeds are without intelligence.
They cannot find purchase in my air filter.
Windshield wipers like samurai swords.
Rain drops will do my bidding.

Copyright (c) 2008-2009 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

Randomness Sunday

-Downtown Baltimore-

Woman on cell phone: "WELL ALL I KNOW IS, IF I EVER SAW A FLYING COCKROACH, I WOULD JUST DIE!"

-Across the street-

Woman in yard: "I know! I'll mow my lawn at 8:30 at night!"

-In the neighborhood-

Teenager in truck: "Yield signs are not for me!"

-My body-

Me: "After 31 years, you are now (all of a sudden) lactose intolerant. No more lactose for you!"

Copyright (c) 2008-2009 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

O.A.R.

-Conversation from Seven Years Ago-

Me: "Hey this band is really good, who is this?"

Shad: "O.A.R."

-Six Years Ago-

Me: "This song is awesome, what band is this?"

Shad: "O.A.R."

-Five Years Ago-

Me: "This is a kick-ass song, who plays this?"

Shad: "O.A.R."

Repeat three more times.

-Last Night Playing Poker-

Me: "Good fucking music, who is this?"

Shad: "You're fucking kidding me right?"

Me: "Holy shit, it's O.A.R. isn't it?"

I think I'll download some of their music on itunes. I think I owe it to them.

By the way, O.A.R. is an awesome band.

Copyright (c) 2008-2009 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

It's Time We Rename The Earth

All the other planets have cool and even inspirational sounding names:

Mercury - Liquid Terminator

Venus - Oprah's Book Club

Mars - Candy Bars

Jupiter - High School Bully

Saturn - Practical Car

Uranus - Haha!

Neptune - Spongebob's god

Pluto - Fuck you scientists. Pluto is still a planet.

Then we have Earth.

What kind of a stupid name is that?

Earth = Dirt

It's completely uninspired. I say if scientists can decide after all these years to disavow a planet (Pluto) then we can decide to rename the earth. Something cool please, we'll probably be stuck with it for another 5 billion years.

Copyright (c) 2008-2009 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

Alien

Kane: [waking up] “What the hell happened?”

Ripley: “Well some kind of spider attached itself to your face for a couple of days.”

Kane: “I see…please go on.”

Ripley: “Well there really isn’t very much more to it. The spider fell off your face and died and now everything is peachy keen again.”

Kane: “Well I don’t know about you, but I feel fucking fantastic. Let’s have lunch!”
Copyright (c) 2008-2009 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

The World Is Not Enough

James Bond: [in bed with Jones] "I was wrong about you."

Christmas Jones: "Yeah, how so?"

James Bond: "I thought Christmas only came once a year."

Christmas Jones: "Wait...did you just make a joke about coming?"

-

James Bond: "Just trying to be charming."

-

Christmas Jones: "I faked them you asshole."

Copyright (c) 2008-2009 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

After The Storm

The more intense the storm, the nicer the sunsets...sometimes...

Copyright (c) 2008-2009 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald