Crude and Feckless: movie parody

Showing posts with label movie parody. Show all posts

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

The Exorcist

A Movie Theater Conversation

First guy: [whispering] "I thought this was the exorcist."

Second guy: "It is."

First guy: "Then what are they doing in Iraq?"

Second guy: "That's the priest. He finds something evil there."

First guy: "Man, did Iraq ever not suck?"

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Clark Kent: “Remember me?”

Guy in diner: “Four eyes? Yeah, I remember you. Didn’t I kick your ass in this diner two weeks ago?”

Clark Kent: “Somebody should teach you some manners.”

Guy in diner: “That’s what you said last time. Are you back for more?”

Clark Kent: “Quite the contrary sir, you see, I’m Superman and I gave up my powers two weeks ago in order to be with the woman I love.”

Guy in diner: [interrupting] “Oh shit, you’re Superman?”

Clark Kent: [Continuing] “After I gave up my powers I became such a raging pussy that my girlfriend didn’t like me anymore. So I’ve gotten my powers back and as my first order of business, I’m going to kick your ass.”

Guy in diner: “That really doesn’t seem fair.”
Copyright (c) 2008-2009 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

Friday, June 12, 2009

Alien

Kane: [waking up] “What the hell happened?”

Ripley: “Well some kind of spider attached itself to your face for a couple of days.”

Kane: “I see…please go on.”

Ripley: “Well there really isn’t very much more to it. The spider fell off your face and died and now everything is peachy keen again.”

Kane: “Well I don’t know about you, but I feel fucking fantastic. Let’s have lunch!”
Copyright (c) 2008-2009 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

The World Is Not Enough

James Bond: [in bed with Jones] "I was wrong about you."

Christmas Jones: "Yeah, how so?"

James Bond: "I thought Christmas only came once a year."

Christmas Jones: "Wait...did you just make a joke about coming?"

James Bond: "Just trying to be charming."

Christmas Jones: "I faked them you asshole."

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Contact

Palmer: "Ellie, thank God you're alright!"

Ellie: "I can't believe it, this trillion dollar machine actually worked!"

Palmer: "Amazing! Where did you go?"

Ellie: "Panama City, Florida."

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Titanic

Lizzy: "What the hell did you just do?"

Rose: "Nothing dear, I was just looking out at the night sea."

Lizzy: "Bullshit, I saw you. You just threw that black diamond into the ocean!"
-

Rose: "It was my diamond, I can do with it what I please."

Lizzy: "You had these people fly you all the way out to their boat so that you could tell your story and you had the diamond on you all this time?"
-

Rose: "Wasn't it a romantic story?"
-

Lizzy: "Bitch, I hope you fucking die in your sleep tonight!"

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Caddyshack II

Pitch Man: "I’d like to make ‘Caddyshack II’."

Movie Producer: "Sounds good. After all everyone loved Caddyshack. What shenanigans are the caddies going to get themselves into this time?"

Pitch Man: "Well there aren’t really any ‘caddies’ in the movie per se…I guess there’s one but he only caddies at the very beginning of the movie during the opening credits."

Movie Producer: "I see...No caddies…Are there any ‘shacks’ in the movie?"

Pitch Man: "Nope, no shacks whatsoever."

Movie Producer: "I like where you’re going with this. I assume we’ve secured the entire cast for a reprise of their roles?"

Pitch Man: "We have Chevy Chase but we’re going to completely bastardize his character."

Movie Producer: "How ‘bout Bill Murray?"

Pitch Man: "Replaced by Dan Akroyd. I’m sure it will be comedy gold though!"

Movie Producer: "Well, no matter what, Rodney Dangerfield has a built in audience."

Pitch Man: "Couldn’t get him."

Movie Producer: "No Rodney Dangerfield? Now I’m having second thoughts."

Pitch Man: "We got Jackie Mason!"

Movie Producer: "SOLD!"
Copyright (c) 2008-2009 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Sorority Row (Trailer)

Cassidy: "Ok, we're going to have to chop up the body."

Andy: (takes tire iron and plunges it through girls heart)

Cassidy: "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT FOR? IT WAS JUST A PRANK! SHE WASN'T REALLY DEAD!"

Andy: "Oh my God...WHAT DO YOU MEAN SHE WASN'T DEAD!!??"

Cassidy: "Wait a minute, I said we were gonna chop her up...why did you put a tire iron through her heart? That doesn't even make any sense."

Andy: "I thought she was a vampire."

Cassidy: "What the fuck are you talking about."

Andy: "I forgot which horror movie this was."
Copyright (c) 2008-2009 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Peter Pan

Wendy: "Jesus Christ! Why the hell is Tinker Bell being such a bitch?"

Peter Pan: "Oh Wendy, she's just jealous. You see, she's in love with me!"

Wendy: "In love? Why that's the most preposterous thing I've ever heard!"

Peter Pan: "Why's that Wendy? After all, Tink and I have been fighting Captain Hook together in Neverland for a long time."

Wendy: "Think about it Peter. How would you ever consummate your love? She's only six inches tall, she'd surely be killed!"

Peter Pan: "Damn girl, you dirty! Get your ass up on dis bed!"

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Top Gun

Charlie: "You're late."

Maverick: "Yeah, sorry about that."

Charlie: "Wait...what's that smell?"

Maverick: "I guess I need a shower, I was just playing volleyball."

Charlie: "You're telling me that I risked my career to invite you over for a romantic dinner and you didn't take a shower before you got here? Next thing you're going to tell me is that you played volleyball in those jeans you're wearing."

Maverick: "Well actually, I did."

Charlie: "Oh my God, that's disgusting, I can't believe I was planning on having sex with you, your crotch must smell like sulfer and walnuts by now."

Friday, January 30, 2009

The Neverending Story

Atreyu: "What are those two sphinxes?"

Engywook: "Those are the first of the two gates you must pass through before you reach the Southern Oracle! Of course, most people don't get that far..."

Atreyu: "Why?"

Engywook: "The Sphinxes eyes stay closed, until someone who does not feel his own worth tries to pass by."

Atreyu: "Then what?"

Engywook: "Laser beams shoot out of their eyes and vaporize whatever they hit. Remember Atreyu, when you go through the gates you must not doubt your own self worth or you will surely be destroyed!"

Atreyu: "Hmmm...maybe I should just go around them."

Engywook: "Oh, you can't do that."

Atreyu: "Why not?"

Engywook: "I don't know...you just can't."

Atreyu: "Look fucker, I'm not gonna get killed just because you like to get your jollies watching people die through your telescope."

Thursday, January 29, 2009

SPEED

BUS DRIVES OFF FREEWAY
15 DEAD

Fifteen people died yesterday in Los Angeles when a Metropolitan Transportation Authority bus drove off an incomplete section of the freeway. The bus was forced into the situation after a terrorist rigged it to explode if its speed dropped below 50 mph. NTSB Investigators are questioning police logic of trying to jump the bus over a gap in the highway without the use of a ramp. LAPD Captain McMahon has been quoted saying: “We thought that maybe all the heavy rebar and cement bags that were situated right before the gap would somehow magically act as a catapult and fly the bus safely to the other side.”

According to Channel 5 News helicopter footage, the bus nosedived 100 feet to the ground immediately after hitting the gap. A call to several local physics teachers revealed that no one who has graduated from high school should have expected a ten ton bus to be able to jump over a 50 foot gap in the freeway, especially if the bus in question does not have rocket propulsion. All police involved have been tested for possible drug use, results are pending.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Enemy Mine

Jerry: "It is no longer my life that matters. I am not fat, I am not lazy. Davidge... I await a new life."

Davidge: "Oh, my God... Oh, my God, are you telling me you're pregnant? You're a woman?"

Jerry: "Yes...Davidge."

Davidge: "So...you and me...we could have been FUCKING this ENTIRE time???"

Friday, January 16, 2009

Grease

Rizzo: "I went to the doctor and he said bein' pregnant's not the reason I missed my period."

Kenickie: "That's a relief."

Rizzo: "Yeah, turns out I'm menopausal."

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Return Of The Jedi

Han Solo: "I'm sure Luke wasn't on that thing when it blew."

Princess Leia: "He wasn't. I can feel it."

Han Solo: "You love him, don't you?"

Princess Leia: "Yes."

Han Solo: "All right. I understand. Fine. When he comes back, I won't get in the way."

Princess Leia: "Oh, Han, it's not like that at all. He's my brother."

Han Solo: "Really? Wait...didn't you make out with him not too long ago?"

Princess Leia: "No, it was just a kiss."

Han Solo: "From what I remember, it was extremely passionate."

Princess Leia: "It was nothing."

Han Solo: "From what I saw, I would have assumed you two were fucking."

Princess Leia: "Look, I'm offering myself to you, take it or leave it."

Han Solo: "No thanks your Highness, I don't go for that hill-billy shit."

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Pet Sematary

Jud: "Hey Louis, why so glum?"

Louis: "Our cat died."

Jud: "I'm sorry to hear about that, what happened?"

Louis: "You see that highway that runs through our front yard?"

Jud (looking at the highway): "Ah yes...You know Louis, there's a secret Indian burial ground near here. If we bury your cat there it might come back to life."

Louis: "Oh yeah, that's just what I need, a zombie cat."

Jud: "It's just a suggestion."

Louis: "How 'bout you suggest I put a fence in my front yard so my kid doesn't run into the street?"

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Poltergeist

Steve: "Wow, what an interesting day."

Diane: "You're tellin' me."

Steve: "Thank God you were able to get our daughter out of the TV, that was a close one."

Diane: "Personally, I think the high point was when the tree tried to eat our son."

Steve: "Oh, I forgot to tell you, you know that creepy clown that we got him for his birthday? It dragged him under the bed and tried to strangle him."

Diane (shakes head slowly): "Crazy clown...I'm just glad it's all over."

Steve: "Well, it's getting kind of late and we're obviously not going to move out of this house right away, I mean it's not like it's collapsed on itself or anything, so I'm gonna go out for a little while and leave you and the kids alone."

Diane: "Sounds good, I think I'll take a long bath."

Monday, January 12, 2009

Trading Places

Randolph Duke (being wheeled out on a stretcher): "Where's Beeks? Where in the hell is Beeks?"

Billy Ray (to Louis): "Oh yeah, I forgot about that guy."

Louis: "I wonder what ever happened to him."

Billy Ray: "Well let's see, after he got knocked out we taped his mouth shut with electrical tape, stuffed him into a gorilla costume, and then put him a cage with a real gorilla."

Louis: "So I guess he's..."

Billy Ray: "Dead...probably dead by now."

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Hackers

Acid Burn: "Hey Crash, whatcha doin'?"

Crash: "I'm hacking into the F.B.I.'s mainframe, what do you think I'm doing?"

Acid Burn: "Your computer screen is just showing a really cool screensaver and your typing like crazy."

Crash: "Hackers don't need to see what they're typing, you'd know that if you were half the hacker that I am."

Acid Burn: "Okay, I can buy that you don't need to see what you're typing, but if you're hacking into the F.B.I.'s mainframe don't you need to see what's on their computer system?"

Crash: "No see, because all I'm doing is typing E=MC2 over and over again and eventually the computer will give me what I want."

Acid Burn: "E=MC2?"

Crash: "Yeah, haven't you ever seen a computer movie? E=MC2 can get you anything."

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Back To The Future

Mr. Strickland: "Am I to understand you're still hanging around with Dr. Emmett Brown, McFly? Let me give you a nickel's worth of free advice, young man. This so-called Dr. Brown is dangerous, he's a real nutcase. You hang around with him, you're gonna end up in big trouble."

Marty (smart-alecky): "Oh, yes sir."

Mr. Strickland (storming off): "You've got a real attitude problem, McFly. You're a slacker!"

Marty (to Jennifer): "What's his problem?"

Jennifer: "Actually Marty, I wanted to talk to you about that."

Marty: "About what?"

Jennifer: "You hanging around with Dr. Brown."

Marty: "What about it?"

Jennifer: "It doesn't make any sense. Why would you be friends with him? You're 17 years old. He's in his 60's."

Marty: "Would you believe that it's because I'm interested in his science experiments?"

Jennifer: "No."

Marty: "Homosexual relationship?"

Jennifer: "Nope."

Marty: "He has really good drugs."

Jennifer: "Ohhhhhh! Why didn't you say so?"