Crude and Feckless: May 2009

Sunday, May 31, 2009

Eminem and Sasha Cohen

Bruno lands on Eminem at the MTV awards.

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that this was staged.

Friday, May 29, 2009

Holy Shit It's Slime Mold!

So I saw this growing in my front yard yesterday.

"Great," I said to myself, "my house will soon be consumed by a giant fucking blob of this stuff."

It doesn't help that I've been trying to write a "horror" screenplay. My mind automatically "goes there".

Just in case anyone wants to know. It's called "Slime Mold". AKA "Dog Vomit Mold" (not kidding). And it's completely harmless.

Too bad.

I might of had some inspiration if had eaten my neighbor's dog.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

All I'm Asking For Is A Clean Bloodmobile

Worker: "Have you given blood before?"

Me: "Yes, numerous times."

Worker: "You aren't in our system."

Me: "For the love of God!"

Worker: "Have you ever been to Africa?"

Me: "Yes, however while I was there I did not sleep with any Africans, do drugs with any Africans, contract malaria or smallpox, or receive (money, sex, or drugs) in exchange for (sex, drugs, or money). At least not that I can remember."

Worker: "Have you had any vaccinations recently?"

Me: "Yeah, my job forced me to get the MMR vaccine last month even though I'm an American and obviously received it when I was two."

Worker: "Do you have any questions before you donate?"

Me: "Yeah, what's the deal with this bloodmobile?"

Worker: "What do you mean?"

Me: "It's clearly a biohazard. You're making me answer all these questions about whether or not I did any questionable things with men in Africa, meanwhile this place has dirt all over it and there are BLOOD...DROPS...EVERYWHERE I look!"

Worker: "Don't worry...we use iodine."

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

4. This Was on Amazon.com (My 5 Star Review)

Uranium Ore

In preperation for the upcoming zombie apocalypse I bought this Uranium to give a little extra "umph" to the Miracle Grow that I usually spray on my garden. Being able to garden in the middle of the night was an unexpected benefit of this miracle product. The vegetables started to glow beautifully which made them easier to pick, however some of the little buggers do try to bite me while I'm working. I told my neighbor that he was welcome to anything in my garden not realizing how territorial the tomatoes had become. They didn't recognize him and he lost an arm. Fortunately he gained a tentacle in its place so it's all good.

Monday, May 25, 2009

3. This Was on Amazon.com (My 5 Star Review)

Tuscan Whole Milk

I approached the Airport Security Gate and fed my bags into the x-ray machine.

"Sir," said the TSA agent, "is this your bag?"

"You know it is," I replied.

"There's no need to get testy sir," he said.

The agent escorted me over to a side table.

"Do you mind if I search your bag?" he asked.

"What will you do if I say no?" I replied.

"I'll take you in the back room and we'll strip search you," he said.

"Then by all means, go ahead and search," I said.

The agent opened my bag and peered inside.

"What do you call this sir?" the agent asked holding up a pair of nail clippers.

"Those are nail clippers," I said.

"I'm going to have to confiscate these," he said.

"That's alright," I replied, "they sell them for a dollar in the store next to my departure gate."

The agent looked at me with hate in his eyes. He looked back into my bag and pulled out my gallon of Tuscan Whole Milk.

"Sir, you can't take this on the plane," he said.

"Why not?" I asked.

"Because, if you have more than three ounces of a liquid you could use it to blow up the plane," he said.

I was astonished. I had no idea that Tuscan Whole Milk was so powerful.

"May I drink it now?" I asked.

"Yes," he said, "liquids are harmless once they are inside of you."

I drank the entire gallon of Tuscan Whole Milk that I had purchased on Amazon.com while the people behind me grew increasingly impatient.

It was delicious.

I did not blow up.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

2. This Was On Amazon.com (My 5 Star Review)

Zumas

"These are not jeans!" I said to my boss as he looked at me accusingly last casual Friday.

"I don't care what they are, you still can't wear them," he replied.

WHAM POW! FLYING ROUNDHOUSE KICK TO HIS STUPID FACE!

Saturday, May 23, 2009

1. This Was On Amazon.com (My 5 Star Review)

Three Wolves T-Shirt

At first I bought this shirt thinking it was a for the band Three Dog Night or that it was three dogs eating a cookie...either way I had to have it. When the shirt arrived in the mail I was furious for about two minutes, then I felt a little sick to my stomach because I had eaten too many chicken sausages, so I took some TUMS and felt better. After that I drank about 12 or 13 beers and fell asleep on the couch. I woke up around 3 in the morning and was going to go crawl into bed when I noticed the "Three Wolf Howling at the Moon" shirt that I had totally forgotten about. "Of course!" I said to myself, "Three Wolves Howling at the Moon makes a lot more sense than three dogs trying to eat a cookie." I couldn't believe how stupid and senseless I had been prior to this revelation. What got me the most upset is that I had gone to half a year of community college and usually consider myself an athlete and a scholar. The best thing about this shirt is that it is black which symbolizes (of course) night which is when the moon comes out. Also when I wear it and my arms are coming out of the arm-holes and my head is coming out of the head-hole it is kind of like I am a wolf/moon super-villain which does absolutely amazing things to my ego.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Contact

Palmer: "Ellie, thank God you're alright!"

Ellie: "I can't believe it, this trillion dollar machine actually worked!"

Palmer: "Amazing! Where did you go?"

Ellie: "Panama City, Florida."

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Nasa Fucks Up - Accidently Sends Space Shuttle to the Sun

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article2431157.ece

Astronaut #1: "You know what I really hate? The sun!"

Astronaut #2: "Nuts."

Friday, May 15, 2009

City of Angels and Pay It Forward

You wanted to see a movie that would make you feel like the world was a wonderful place.

Just when you achieve that feeling we're going to horribly kill the main character. Go fuck yourself!

Have a nice drive home.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Titanic

Lizzy: "What the hell did you just do?"

Rose: "Nothing dear, I was just looking out at the night sea."

Lizzy: "Bullshit, I saw you. You just threw that black diamond into the ocean!"
-

Rose: "It was my diamond, I can do with it what I please."

Lizzy: "You had these people fly you all the way out to their boat so that you could tell your story and you had the diamond on you all this time?"
-

Rose: "Wasn't it a romantic story?"
-

Lizzy: "Bitch, I hope you fucking die in your sleep tonight!"

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Caddyshack II

Pitch Man: "I’d like to make ‘Caddyshack II’."

Movie Producer: "Sounds good. After all everyone loved Caddyshack. What shenanigans are the caddies going to get themselves into this time?"

Pitch Man: "Well there aren’t really any ‘caddies’ in the movie per se…I guess there’s one but he only caddies at the very beginning of the movie during the opening credits."

Movie Producer: "I see...No caddies…Are there any ‘shacks’ in the movie?"

Pitch Man: "Nope, no shacks whatsoever."

Movie Producer: "I like where you’re going with this. I assume we’ve secured the entire cast for a reprise of their roles?"

Pitch Man: "We have Chevy Chase but we’re going to completely bastardize his character."

Movie Producer: "How ‘bout Bill Murray?"

Pitch Man: "Replaced by Dan Akroyd. I’m sure it will be comedy gold though!"

Movie Producer: "Well, no matter what, Rodney Dangerfield has a built in audience."

Pitch Man: "Couldn’t get him."

Movie Producer: "No Rodney Dangerfield? Now I’m having second thoughts."

Pitch Man: "We got Jackie Mason!"

Movie Producer: "SOLD!"
Copyright (c) 2008-2009 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald