Monday, May 25, 2009

3. This Was on Amazon.com (My 5 Star Review)

Tuscan Whole Milk
I approached the Airport Security Gate and fed my bags into the x-ray machine.
"Sir," said the TSA agent, "is this your bag?"
"You know it is," I replied.
"There's no need to get testy sir," he said.
The agent escorted me over to a side table.
"Do you mind if I search your bag?" he asked.
"What will you do if I say no?" I replied.
"I'll take you in the back room and we'll strip search you," he said.
"Then by all means, go ahead and search," I said.
The agent opened my bag and peered inside.
"What do you call this sir?" the agent asked holding up a pair of nail clippers.
"Those are nail clippers," I said.
"I'm going to have to confiscate these," he said.
"That's alright," I replied, "they sell them for a dollar in the store next to my departure gate."
The agent looked at me with hate in his eyes. He looked back into my bag and pulled out my gallon of Tuscan Whole Milk.
"Sir, you can't take this on the plane," he said.
"Why not?" I asked.
"Because, if you have more than three ounces of a liquid you could use it to blow up the plane," he said.
I was astonished. I had no idea that Tuscan Whole Milk was so powerful.
"May I drink it now?" I asked.
"Yes," he said, "liquids are harmless once they are inside of you."
I drank the entire gallon of Tuscan Whole Milk that I had purchased on Amazon.com while the people behind me grew increasingly impatient.
It was delicious.
I did not blow up.
Copyright (c) 2008-2009 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

7 comments:

Ann's Rants said...

You must be from Wisconsin. Only a Wisconsinite could milk-bong.

King of New York Hacks said...

LOL, I just flew up from Florida and had the same nail clipper thing happen to me.They threw mine out only to have me purchase one at the departure gate. I guess they'll start selling gallons of milk there too !! .They also threw out my bottle of water which I couldn't drink because I was already too full having eaten beforehand knowing that they would starve me on the plane. WAY too much security in this country right now.

Adlibby said...

Love that!

WhisperingWriter said...

That is hilarious.

I hate flying. They took my lotion and I was all, "Ma'am, I barely scraped by with a C in chemistry. I'd have no idea how to put together a bomb with my lotion." She took it anyway.

Cat said...

The Food Detectives would argue that it's not possible to drink a gallon of milk in an hour, but I believe. I BELIEVE.

SSP said...

for lotion in a soft tube, stuff it down your pants....a special enhancement for guys, and easily enough done for women. what i want to know is why can i not take my FROZEN water bottle through. It is a SOLID. If i brought a container of hersey's syrup, it would be taken away, but a hersey's candy bar? no problem, so why NOT the HARD water? please. and the answer to the question "do you mind if i search your bag?" is "YES I abso-f**king-lutely MIND if you search my bag! What do you think I am, a completely gutless, malleable pussy whipped supporter of the Bush/Cheney regime? YES I DO mind. Do you have my PERMISSION? of course you do you mother f*CKER, have you not read the contract for carriage with the airline which states somewhere me traveling with something GIVES you automatic permission to search it...but YES, you dumb ass, i DO mind...."

don't get behind me in line at the airport...you'll have plenty of time to leisurely enjoy your milk

SweetPeaSurry said...

Hilarious! I love milk ... but I don't think I love it THAT much!!!

blessings!