New Year's Eve

Sometimes I think that New Year's Eve would be the best day to be born and that New Year's Day would be the absolute worst day in terms of partying.

If you were born on New Year's Eve, you're lucky from the start, even giving your parents a nice tax break for an entire year that they didn't have to pay for you.

Also, if you were born on New Year's Eve, you're born on World Party Day as opposed to World Hangover Day for those born on the first day of the year. Bummer for them. Anywhere in the world a New Year's Eve baby goes there is a party going on. ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD!

What's my point? My point is that I'm glad I was born in June.

Perfect distance from Christmas.

Happy New Year's Eve everyone!
Copyright (c) 2008 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

Grey's Anatomy

Dr. Shepherd: "Dr. Grey, a man was just admitted with a live grenade embedded in his chest. We need you to hold the grenade so that it doesn't blow up while we operate."

Dr. Grey: "That's ridiculous."

Dr. Shepherd: "Why do you say that?"

Dr. Grey: "First of all, do you realize how unlikely that scenario is? Nothing like that ever happens in real life! Second, I'm not paid enough to take that kind of risk, not to mention that this is a job for the BOMB SQUAD!"

Dr. Shepherd: "But there's no one else available to do it, we need you."

Dr. Grey: "Why isn't there anyone else?"

Dr. Shepherd: "Well a plane with 250 people on it crashed into a passenger ferry just down the block and all the victims are still alive with critical injuries. Also four of the on-scene ambulances crashed into each other at the E.R. entrance and seven of our doctors were killed because they were out there smoking and making out with each other."

Dr. Grey: "In that case we better make it quick, I have plans to fuck at least two interns this afternoon."

Dr. Shepherd: "Well there's some good news for you. All the interns are still alive, but one got a pencil shoved through his eye while he was trying to save a busload of A-typical high school students who were fighting about what clique each one was in."

Dr. Grey: "Maybe you and I could fuck while we're operating on 'grenade guy'."

Dr. Shepherd: "I insist!"

Copyright (c) 2008 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

E.R.

Quality Inspector: "Well Dr. Weaver, we've completed our inspection of your hospital."

Dr. Weaver: "I trust everything is copacetic."

Quality Inspector: "Actually Doctor, we're a bit concerned about the abnormal number of deaths that take place here."

Dr. Weaver: "Well this is a hospital, people die here."

Quality Inspector: "I'm actually not talking about people who die after treatment, I'm talking about people who die during shootouts in the lobby."

-

Dr. Weaver: "Well this is Chicago."

Quality Inspector: "Yes Doctor, I understand, but our records indicate that you have had a shootout take place in this hospital once a year, for each of the past 20 years, usually on Christmas. Has it ever occurred to you that maybe you should beef up security, or maybe install a metal detector?"

Dr. Weaver: "No one ever mentioned it before."

Copyright (c) 2008 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

HOUSE, M.D.

Dr. House: "Well, all the other tests we've performed on this patient have failed, in addition to making him blind and a multiple amputee. I think it's time we put him in for an MRI."

Dr. Foreman: "Um doctor, has it ever occurred to you that the MRI machine might be broken?"

Dr. House: "No, why?"

Dr. Foreman: "Well, every single time we put a patient in the MRI they have a seizure...without fail. Accept for that one time you put an 800 pound man in there and he broke the machine. Lucky for him I guess, otherwise he would have had a seizure too."

Dr. House: "I had no idea."

Dr. Foreman: "Are you really even a doctor? I could get better medical information from the Internet. You realize that you're supposed to diagnose patients right? You're not supposed to just keep guessing until something works."

Dr. House: "You're fired."

Dr. Foreman: "I quit, hopefully I can work for a qualified employer. There's no telling how much damage you've already done to my career."

Copyright (c) 2008 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

CSI: MIAMI

Horatio (to tech guy): "Alright, I just shot at the fleeing suspect's car and I hit his gas tank. I need you to plug that information into your computer program and tell me how far he can get before his gas runs out."

Tech Guy: "Wait, why do you have a weapon? You're a CSI. Aren't you supposed to be in a lab somewhere buried knee deep in cases? Do you have any idea how many crimes are committed in this town?"

Horatio: "Never mind that. I need you to plug the information I've given you into your computer."

Tech Guy: "Look buddy, even if a computer program like that did exist, there are an impossible number of variables we are dealing with."

Horatio (sarcastically): "Give me one."

Tech Guy: "First, how do you even know you hit the gas tank? Second, assuming that you did hit it, did you hit the top, middle, or bottom of it? Third, how much gas was in the tank? Was it full or near empty?"

-

Horatio: "I asked for one, not three. Why do you always have to make me feel stupid?"

-

Tech Guy: "I'm calling internal affairs on your ass."

Copyright (c) 2008 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

Tequila Sunset

Scene: 1997, Bar Tending.

I didn't even know they let 19-year-olds bar tend.

We are slammed and I'm feeling like Tom Cruise on his first night bar tending at TGIF in Cocktail.

"YOU BITCH! WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST TELL ME IT WAS A RUM AND COKE!!???"

I reach into the mug cooler to retrieve a beer mug and drop it back into the cooler as I'm picking it up.

-

Without looking I stick my hand back into the cooler. Obviously a bad idea.

Do you know how hard it is to permanently remove your fingerprint? I do. You have to cut DEEP.

I tuck my now slightly lighter thumb in my hand and head out of the bar to seek medical attention.

As I leave the bar I hear one of the other bartenders yell:

"HEY, WHO THE FUCK SPILLED GRENADINE ALL OVER EVERYTHING?"

Copyright (c) 2008 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

Happy Christmas

All I want for Christmas is for my hangover to go away.

Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

Copyright (c) 2008 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

Christmas Eve Thoughts

So I planted three Red Maples in my backyard this week.

And I'm thinking to myself:

"I have no idea what I am doing. There is no fuckin way these things survive."

I'm taking bets anyway.

But then as I am thinking about this another thought occurs to me:

Birds shit out seeds that become trees in the middle of an empty field. It can't be that hard.

Haiku:

Bird shits out a seed.

Tree sprouts in an empty field.

My trees should survive.

I think that logic is sound.

Copyright (c) 2008 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

Chick Fil-A

I order my meal and hand the cashier my credit card.

"What's your name," he asks me after looking at the card.

"Kevin," I reply.

"Right," he says.

"Is that the new thing?" I ask.

"Well, it's my thing," he says, "I still haven't figured out what I'm gonna do if someone doesn't know their name though."

Copyright (c) 2008 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

Rent-A-Cop

A taxi pulls into the gated community at one in the morning and continues down the road for a mile before dropping off his fare in front of a beautiful Florida home. The security guard pulls behind him as he travels back towards the community entrance, orange lights flashing.

“What the fuck,” the taxi driver says. He looks at his speedometer, he is traveling 35 mph. The speed limit is 25.

He pulls the taxi over and gets out angry.

“What the hell do you want?” he yells at the security guard who is still in his car.

The security guard jumps out of his car, gun drawn, shaking wildly. The taxi driver calmly plucks the gun from the security guards grasp.

“If you’re going to point a gun at somebody, you don’t stick it out in the air like that,” the taxi driver instructs the security guard, “you hold it close to your body, like this, with both hands, that way they can’t take it from you.”

The taxi driver gets in his car and drives away. He passes over a small bridge and tosses the gun into the water.

Six months later, the taxi driver is at home with his new girlfriend. She is a manager at a security firm.

They sit and eat jalapeños straight from the jar while they watch TV. He tells her the story of the Security Guard and the Taxi Driver. When he is finished, she stares at him.

“Six months ago, we had a security guard show up who said he lost his weapon,” she says, “he didn’t have any explanation. We fired him.”
Copyright (c) 2008 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

What's 20% Of Zero?

Scene: Outdoor Restaurant, Coconut Grove, Florida

Our stoned waiter takes our orders and disappears. Twenty minutes later he places two dishes on the table behind us (which is unoccupied) and leaves.

I think nothing of it. After all, service couldn't be that bad could it?

Another TWENTY minutes go by and I haven't seen our waiter. I flag down the manager and tell him of our predicament.

The manager talks to someone and figures out that the food on the unoccupied table is ours. He goes over to the table, picks up the two plates and:

PUTS THEM DOWN ON OUR TABLE!

We were in our car a minute later.

We did not leave a tip.

Copyright (c) 2008 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

You're Gonna Need a Bigger Boat

I'm slowly coming to the realization that nobody reads blogs on Saturdays and Sundays. At least, LESS people read MY blog on Saturdays and Sundays. Then again I have a kid, and I'm not out getting wasted on the weekend anymore. Therefore, here are some things on my mind:

There are certain movies that I ALWAYS have to watch if they happen to be on while I am going to bed. Usually there are not two on at the same time. God forbid I would have to make a choice between two favorite movies. I was put to such a choice recently. Both Jaws and Predator were on at the same time. A tiny conflict occurred in my brain, on the one hand, Predator may be the most "timeless" action movie I have ever seen, in that it could literally have come out in the theater this week and you wouldn't say that the effects, story-line, and action sequences looked dated. Plus, I fuckin' love Arnold Schwarzenegger. On the other hand, Jaws is PERFECT, albeit dated. Plus Roy Scheider saying, "Smile you son of a bitch" is probably my favorite scene in a movie EVER.

-

Jaws won. I did not know that about myself until I was put to the test. Sometimes you must be tested!

Which takes me to my next topic. I DO NOT like the commercial for Direct TV that uses the scene from Poltergeist where the little girl says, "They're here." That girl is dead. She died when she was young. Who pimps out a dead child to sell products? It's just not right.

Third topic. I CONSISTENTLY write "write" when I mean "right" and vice versa.

The End.

Copyright (c) 2008 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

Chicks, Man, Chicks

1999. Bourbon Street, New Orleans.

My friend and I are enjoying Bourbon street as much as two 20 year olds can. I'm half in the bag and feeling good as we make our way down the street. It is a good night and I've already told the guy who is holding a ten foot tall cruicifix in the middle of the street and telling everyone they are going to hell that: "I LOVE (improper name for a part of the female anatomy)."

To which he responded, "YOU SIR, ARE THE DEVIL!"

Good night, good night.

As we approach an intersection, we see a man leaning against a post in the middle of the street.

"You guys need some coke?" he asks. It's always funny to me how sometimes they use code and sometimes they don't.

"No thanks," I say and we continue walking past him.

"I don't think you guys want to go down that street any further," he says to us.

"Ok Mr. Drug Dealer, we're gonna listen to you," I think to myself as we continue past him. Me and my friend are looking for chicks and nobody is going to stop us.

Halfway down the block I realize our mistake.

"Hey big fella," I hear from a balcony, "why don't you come up here, I got a surprise for ya."

We look around and realize there is not a single "chick" around.

"I think this must be the gay section," I say quietly to my friend.

"No shit," he responds.

We turn around and start to walk back from where we came. We are looking for "chicks" after all. As we pass by the drug dealer, he turns to us and says:

"I told ya."
Copyright (c) 2008 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

The Olive Garden

I know, I know, The Olive Garden isn't real Italian food.

Five words for ya.

Unlimited fuckin' breadsticks and salad.

We sit down place our orders and the food comes out. The waiter comes to check on us.

I didn't notice before, but our waiter is quite obviously stoned out of his mind.

Now I don't care if someone wants to get laced at work. Especially at a restaurant. But come on man, be a functional pot-head.

"Would you all like some more breadsticks and salad?" he asks.

"That would be great." I say.

15 minutes later our waiter shows up again (no breadsticks or salad).

"Would you all like some more breadsticks and salad?" he asks, "what did you have to drink sir?"

"Diet coke," I reply, "also salad and breadsticks."

20 minutes later our waiter shows up again (no breadsticks, no salad, no diet coke).

"Would you all like some more breadsticks and salad? he asks, "oh do you need another drink sir?" At this point, it is just funny, I am imagining that this guy thinks that it is his first time at our table every time he shows up.

-

It happened THREE more times.

-

The final time he asked, he was just as sincere as the first time.

-

"Would you like some more breadsticks and salad?" he asks.

Laughing, I say, "Sure, that and the bill."

-

-

MOVIE LINE OF THE DAY:

"That's Naomi. And she's been working here WAY too long. But she's actually a pretty sweet girl... when she's drunk." -Waiting

Copyright (c) 2008 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

Meeting Noah Wyle

Scene: Baltimore International Airport, 5:30 am

I get in line for security, bleary eyed and tired. I look at the person in front of me and have that "hey I know that guy" feeling. It's Noah Wyle (from ER), but I am tired and my brain is working slowly.

He looks at me and realizes that I recognize him.

"Are you..." I start to ask.

"Yes," he says.

"Oh," I say, "well it's very nice to meet you."

"Nice to meet you as well," he says.

I've met movie stars in the past, my basic policy is to leave them alone, satisfied that I now have a story to tell.

We move along through the line and finally get to the security agent who is checking ID's. Noah Wyle hands her his ID and she looks at him.

"Do I know you?" she asks.

"You might," he responds, "I was on TV."

Completely ignoring what he just said, she says, "I know you from somewhere."

Being a huge movie buff, I stand their and laugh in my head thinking about the fact that this woman thinks she knows him personally and doesn't recognize him as being a TV star.

She hands his ID back and he walks towards the x-ray machine, I hand her my ID and she says, "I know that guy from somewhere."

"That's Noah Wyle," I say, "he was on ER for like a decade."

Completely ignoring what I just said, she shakes her head and says, "I don't know where I know that guy from."

-

-

MOVIE LINE OF THE DAY:

"Um... I'm not going to be able to continue this conversation." -Noah Wyle in Donnie Darko

Copyright (c) 2008 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

Good Fella

Scene: NYC

Sometimes, when you least expect it, you get to witness something truly amazing occur right in front of you.

Like when Ashley Simpson fucked up on Saturday Night Live. I sat their with my jaw hanging open like I was at a Milli Vanilli concert.

But that isn't what this story is about.

One day in the late 90's I was walking somewhere in NYC when I witnessed something truly amazing. From my vantage point it was almost as if I were the director of a movie and I had just yelled "ACTION".

It was a beautiful summer day and it seemed like everyone I passed was in good spirits. In front of me a wedding was letting out of a church. The bride and groom emerged with giant smiles on their faces and headed towards their limo that was parked at the curb. I slowed down to watch them and to avoid walking right into a giant group of people as they left the church.

I noticed a police officer across the street, leaning against a wall watching the happy couple come out of the church. The police officer had a smile on his face and looked truly happy for the new couple. I paused on the sidewalk to decide how I would get around the large crowd that had amassed and reflected on what a nice day I was having in the greatest city in the world.

That is when the trouble started.

Directly across from church was a construction crew working on a small building. Some of them started the usual hooting and hollering but one worker who was standing on the sidewalk started yelling and making crude jokes loud enough for the newly wed couple to hear.

"I hope they get in the limo soon," I thought to myself, but the bride had stopped at the limo door and was adjusting her dress before she could get in. Both the bride and groom were pretending not to hear the construction worker, determined not to let him ruin their moment.

I looked over at where the police officer was standing only to find that he was on the move, and headed straight for the unruly construction worker at a brisk walk. As the police man walked I watched as he pulled his nightstick from his belt and placed it up against his arm so that it ran parallel from his wrist to his elbow.

I couldn't believe what I was about to see.

The construction worker, unaware of the approaching police man, continued his verbal assault.

"YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GET MARRIED MAN," the construction worker yelled, "YOU GET FUCKED FOR LIFE!!!"

A split second after he finished yelling this the cop intercepted him and without breaking stride brought his forearm and the nightstick to the construction workers face. The construction worker was caught completely off guard and fell to the floor clutching his head. The police officer continued walking, turned the corner, and disappeared. A few seconds later, the construction worker got back up and shook his head. He looked embarrassed and ashamed. He turned, walked into the construction site and was gone.

Nobody on the street said a fucking word.

-

-

MOVIE LINE OF THE DAY:

"Now you's can't leave." -A Bronx Tale

Copyright (c) 2008 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

Cow Thoughts

Sometimes my memories include situations that are extremely unique. Situations that I have never heard another person talk about.

For example:

One time I threw a dead cow off a ship in the middle of the Pacific ocean.

Bet you never heard anyone say that before.

How I came upon this situation was: I was on-board a cargo ship. One of the things we were transporting from Hawaii was cows.

Hawaii has more cows than they can handle.

The cows were located at the back of the ship, that way the handlers could easily get rid of their shit with fire hoses. Just spray and whoosh over the side. As you can imagine it smelled pretty bad on the stern.

Another thing we carried was molasses. That was at the front of the ship. Somehow the bow actually smelled worse. Yes, thousands of gallons of molasses actually smelled worse than lots and lots of cow shit.

One day, I walked onto the stern and happened upon a "cowboy" who was having a hard time dragging a dead calf. I was not aware of this, but since cows are packed like "cattle" in transit, some of them die on the way. It is not a pleasant existence for a cow. People talk about feeling sorry for the stuff we eat. I've seen it first hand. Not good. And we're not even talking about veal. However, on that same note, at least these cowboys weren't doing anything bad to these cows. They were packed like sardines, yes, but the conditions on some of these "farms" are a hundred times worse....Let me get off my animal cruelty is bad tangent.

Anyway this cowboy asked me for a hand, I asked him where we were going with this dead cow, and he said, "Over da side bro."

As I watched the floating cow head towards the horizon I imagined a shark happening upon it. The shark has never had steak, only seafood.

"Holy shit!" says the shark.

-

-

MOVIE LINE OF THE DAY:

"I'll catch you on the flip side." -The Boondock Saints

Copyright (c) 2008 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

SARFRAS THE NOTORIOUS!!!

Dear SARFRAS,

Why must you torture us with your spam? Please go away. You are like a Mall Kiosk Lady, and as I have stated I do not like Mall Kiosk Ladies.

I do not want a helping of the shit you are serving.

Are you a real person or merely a computer program? One will never know.

Will anyone else who reads this understand what I am talking about? I think I will find out in the comments section. More than likely I will even get a comment from you.

Love,

Me

-

-

MOVIE LINE OF THE DAY:

"Colonel, take us to DEFCON five." -War Games

Copyright (c) 2008 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

A Tree Ate My Cat

Scene: Brooklyn, New York

A firefighter arrives on scene only to be confronted by an old woman with a worried look on her face.

"What's the problem ma'am?" the firefighter asks.

"My cat, it's up in that tree, I need you to get it," she replies.

The firefighter looks up at the tree and the cat, thinks for a minute and then looks at the old woman.

"Lady, have you ever seen a cat skeleton in a tree?" he asks.

"No, I haven't," she replies.

"It'll come down," he says.

-

-

MOVIE LINE OF THE DAY:

"The funny thing about firemen is... Night and day they are always firemen." -Backdraft

Copyright (c) 2008 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

I'll Take It!

It's good to know that during this recession, some Realtors are willing to go the extra mile.

This was on a sign near my house. I was laughing hysterically, even more than when those crazy kids rearranged the sign to spell "Come in for free ASSES".

Since it is near my house and I am not interested in my property value going down, after I had laughed my fill, I turned into the realty parking lot to inform them about their sign.

"What does it say now?" the real estate agent asked when she saw my face. She could tell I had been laughing.

"It says 'clit,'" I said to her, "I also called a couple months ago when it said 'asses.'"

"Well at least the kids in this neighborhood have something to do," she said.

-

-

MOVIE LINE OF THE DAY:

"Fight Club was the beginning, now it's moved out of the basement, it's called Project Mayhem." -Fight Club

Copyright (c) 2008 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald