Crude and Feckless: June 2009

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Bert and Ernie

Ernie: "Bert, Bert."

Bert: "What is it Ernie?"

Ernie: "Whatcha thinkin' about Bert?"

Bert: "I'm thinking about my favorite number...6."

Ernie: "Wow Bert, that sounds kind of boring."

Bert: [sarcastically] "I'm glad you think everything I do is boring. Since everything you do is so interesting, what are you thinking about?"

Ernie: "Well Bert, I was thinking that it's about time we push our beds together."

Monday, June 22, 2009

Dora The Explorer

Dora and Boots: "SWIPER, NO SWIPING!"

Swiper: "You're TOO LATE! [throws Dora's fruit basket into a nearby barn] You'll never find it now!"

Dora: "You know Swiper, you're a dick!"

Swiper: "Whaaa?"

Dora: "It would be one thing if you were always stealing our shit for some kind of financial gain. But you just steal our stuff and then throw it away. That's something only an asshole would do."

Swiper: "One time you and Boots stole my blueberries from where I live on Blueberry Hill."

Dora: [pulls a pistol from her backpack and points it at Swiper] "Yeah motherfucker, that's because I'm a HUMAN and you're a fuckin' FOX! I can do what I want."

Swiper: "D-d-d-d-Dora, n-no need to be rash!"

Boots: "Oh Shit!"

Dora: [shoots Swiper in the face] "He won't be bothering us anymore Boots."

Boots: "I think I'm gonna be sick."

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Clark Kent: “Remember me?”

Guy in diner: “Four eyes? Yeah, I remember you. Didn’t I kick your ass in this diner two weeks ago?”

Clark Kent: “Somebody should teach you some manners.”

Guy in diner: “That’s what you said last time. Are you back for more?”

Clark Kent: “Quite the contrary sir, you see, I’m Superman and I gave up my powers two weeks ago in order to be with the woman I love.”

Guy in diner: [interrupting] “Oh shit, you’re Superman?”

Clark Kent: [Continuing] “After I gave up my powers I became such a raging pussy that my girlfriend didn’t like me anymore. So I’ve gotten my powers back and as my first order of business, I’m going to kick your ass.”

Guy in diner: “That really doesn’t seem fair.”
Copyright (c) 2008-2009 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

My Friend My Friend! I Have Very Good Price For You!

Buying CD's in foreign bazaars is sometimes a challenge. Especially when the person who reproduced the CD doesn't know the name of the song and has to listen to the hook in order to figure it out. When you are reading the name of the song on the back of the CD it is nearly impossible to figure out what song it will end up being. On one of my ships we used to take bets on what title would end up being what song. Here are a few I've seen:

Title on CD: Do the jerk at work
Actual song: To legit to quit

Title on CD: Better Days
Actual song: Betty Davis Eyes

Title on CD: Everybody wants to ooh whoo ooh
Actual song: Everybody wants to rule the world
Copyright (c) 2008-2009 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Why Would You Take Her There?

My age: 5

Song: Funky Town by Lipps Inc

Lyrics: "Won't you take me to Funky Town?"

How I heard it: "Don't you take me to Pumpkin Town!"

This was one of my favorite songs when I was in kindergarten. However, the way I imagined it in my head was that this poor woman was being dragged off to Pumpkin Town by some horrible man.

I had nightmares about Maneater by Hall & Oates. Some crazy shark-woman going around eating men.

That Maneater needed to go eat the guy who's trying to drag that poor woman to Pumpkin Town.
Copyright (c) 2008-2009 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

Monday, June 15, 2009

Free Verse Monday

Seven years ago I bought a new battery for my truck.
Today it died.
No time for mourning.
I asked a man I’d never met if he’d jump me.
We really ought to find a new way to say that.
On Friday I chose to wait till Monday to get more gas.
I regretted that today.
I chose the car wash option for ten dollars.
My car is still not clean.
Seeds are without intelligence.
They cannot find purchase in my air filter.
Windshield wipers like samurai swords.
Rain drops will do my bidding.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Randomness Sunday

-Downtown Baltimore-

Woman on cell phone: "WELL ALL I KNOW IS, IF I EVER SAW A FLYING COCKROACH, I WOULD JUST DIE!"

-Across the street-

Woman in yard: "I know! I'll mow my lawn at 8:30 at night!"

-In the neighborhood-

Teenager in truck: "Yield signs are not for me!"

-My body-

Me: "After 31 years, you are now (all of a sudden) lactose intolerant. No more lactose for you!"

Saturday, June 13, 2009

O.A.R.

-Conversation from Seven Years Ago-

Me: "Hey this band is really good, who is this?"

Shad: "O.A.R."

-Six Years Ago-

Me: "This song is awesome, what band is this?"

Shad: "O.A.R."

-Five Years Ago-

Me: "This is a kick-ass song, who plays this?"

Shad: "O.A.R."

Repeat three more times.

-Last Night Playing Poker-

Me: "Good fucking music, who is this?"

Shad: "You're fucking kidding me right?"

Me: "Holy shit, it's O.A.R. isn't it?"

I think I'll download some of their music on itunes. I think I owe it to them.

By the way, O.A.R. is an awesome band.

Friday, June 12, 2009

It's Time We Rename The Earth

All the other planets have cool and even inspirational sounding names:

Mercury - Liquid Terminator

Venus - Oprah's Book Club

Mars - Candy Bars

Jupiter - High School Bully

Saturn - Practical Car

Uranus - Haha!

Neptune - Spongebob's god

Pluto - Fuck you scientists. Pluto is still a planet.

Then we have Earth.

What kind of a stupid name is that?

Earth = Dirt

It's completely uninspired. I say if scientists can decide after all these years to disavow a planet (Pluto) then we can decide to rename the earth. Something cool please, we'll probably be stuck with it for another 5 billion years.

Alien

Kane: [waking up] “What the hell happened?”

Ripley: “Well some kind of spider attached itself to your face for a couple of days.”

Kane: “I see…please go on.”

Ripley: “Well there really isn’t very much more to it. The spider fell off your face and died and now everything is peachy keen again.”

Kane: “Well I don’t know about you, but I feel fucking fantastic. Let’s have lunch!”
Copyright (c) 2008-2009 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald