Crude and Feckless: January 2009

Friday, January 30, 2009

The Neverending Story

Atreyu: "What are those two sphinxes?"

Engywook: "Those are the first of the two gates you must pass through before you reach the Southern Oracle! Of course, most people don't get that far..."

Atreyu: "Why?"

Engywook: "The Sphinxes eyes stay closed, until someone who does not feel his own worth tries to pass by."

Atreyu: "Then what?"

Engywook: "Laser beams shoot out of their eyes and vaporize whatever they hit. Remember Atreyu, when you go through the gates you must not doubt your own self worth or you will surely be destroyed!"

Atreyu: "Hmmm...maybe I should just go around them."

Engywook: "Oh, you can't do that."

Atreyu: "Why not?"

Engywook: "I don't know...you just can't."

Atreyu: "Look fucker, I'm not gonna get killed just because you like to get your jollies watching people die through your telescope."

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Fifteen people died yesterday in Los Angeles when a Metropolitan Transportation Authority bus drove off an incomplete section of the freeway. The bus was forced into the situation after a terrorist rigged it to explode if its speed dropped below 50 mph. NTSB Investigators are questioning police logic of trying to jump the bus over a gap in the highway without the use of a ramp. LAPD Captain McMahon has been quoted saying: “We thought that maybe all the heavy rebar and cement bags that were situated right before the gap would somehow magically act as a catapult and fly the bus safely to the other side.”

According to Channel 5 News helicopter footage, the bus nosedived 100 feet to the ground immediately after hitting the gap. A call to several local physics teachers revealed that no one who has graduated from high school should have expected a ten ton bus to be able to jump over a 50 foot gap in the freeway, especially if the bus in question does not have rocket propulsion. All police involved have been tested for possible drug use, results are pending.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Enemy Mine

Jerry: "It is no longer my life that matters. I am not fat, I am not lazy. Davidge... I await a new life."

Davidge: "Oh, my God... Oh, my God, are you telling me you're pregnant? You're a woman?"

Jerry: "Yes...Davidge."

Davidge: "So...you and me...we could have been FUCKING this ENTIRE time???"

Friday, January 16, 2009

Grease

Rizzo: "I went to the doctor and he said bein' pregnant's not the reason I missed my period."

Kenickie: "That's a relief."

Rizzo: "Yeah, turns out I'm menopausal."

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Return Of The Jedi

Han Solo: "I'm sure Luke wasn't on that thing when it blew."

Princess Leia: "He wasn't. I can feel it."

Han Solo: "You love him, don't you?"

Princess Leia: "Yes."

Han Solo: "All right. I understand. Fine. When he comes back, I won't get in the way."

Princess Leia: "Oh, Han, it's not like that at all. He's my brother."

Han Solo: "Really? Wait...didn't you make out with him not too long ago?"

Princess Leia: "No, it was just a kiss."

Han Solo: "From what I remember, it was extremely passionate."

Princess Leia: "It was nothing."

Han Solo: "From what I saw, I would have assumed you two were fucking."

Princess Leia: "Look, I'm offering myself to you, take it or leave it."

Han Solo: "No thanks your Highness, I don't go for that hill-billy shit."

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Pet Sematary

Jud: "Hey Louis, why so glum?"

Louis: "Our cat died."

Jud: "I'm sorry to hear about that, what happened?"

Louis: "You see that highway that runs through our front yard?"

Jud (looking at the highway): "Ah yes...You know Louis, there's a secret Indian burial ground near here. If we bury your cat there it might come back to life."

Louis: "Oh yeah, that's just what I need, a zombie cat."

Jud: "It's just a suggestion."

Louis: "How 'bout you suggest I put a fence in my front yard so my kid doesn't run into the street?"

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Poltergeist

Steve: "Wow, what an interesting day."

Diane: "You're tellin' me."

Steve: "Thank God you were able to get our daughter out of the TV, that was a close one."

Diane: "Personally, I think the high point was when the tree tried to eat our son."

Steve: "Oh, I forgot to tell you, you know that creepy clown that we got him for his birthday? It dragged him under the bed and tried to strangle him."

Diane (shakes head slowly): "Crazy clown...I'm just glad it's all over."

Steve: "Well, it's getting kind of late and we're obviously not going to move out of this house right away, I mean it's not like it's collapsed on itself or anything, so I'm gonna go out for a little while and leave you and the kids alone."

Diane: "Sounds good, I think I'll take a long bath."

Monday, January 12, 2009

Trading Places

Randolph Duke (being wheeled out on a stretcher): "Where's Beeks? Where in the hell is Beeks?"

Billy Ray (to Louis): "Oh yeah, I forgot about that guy."

Louis: "I wonder what ever happened to him."

Billy Ray: "Well let's see, after he got knocked out we taped his mouth shut with electrical tape, stuffed him into a gorilla costume, and then put him a cage with a real gorilla."

Louis: "So I guess he's..."

Billy Ray: "Dead...probably dead by now."

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Hackers

Acid Burn: "Hey Crash, whatcha doin'?"

Crash: "I'm hacking into the F.B.I.'s mainframe, what do you think I'm doing?"

Acid Burn: "Your computer screen is just showing a really cool screensaver and your typing like crazy."

Crash: "Hackers don't need to see what they're typing, you'd know that if you were half the hacker that I am."

Acid Burn: "Okay, I can buy that you don't need to see what you're typing, but if you're hacking into the F.B.I.'s mainframe don't you need to see what's on their computer system?"

Crash: "No see, because all I'm doing is typing E=MC2 over and over again and eventually the computer will give me what I want."

Acid Burn: "E=MC2?"

Crash: "Yeah, haven't you ever seen a computer movie? E=MC2 can get you anything."

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Back To The Future

Mr. Strickland: "Am I to understand you're still hanging around with Dr. Emmett Brown, McFly? Let me give you a nickel's worth of free advice, young man. This so-called Dr. Brown is dangerous, he's a real nutcase. You hang around with him, you're gonna end up in big trouble."

Marty (smart-alecky): "Oh, yes sir."

Mr. Strickland (storming off): "You've got a real attitude problem, McFly. You're a slacker!"

Marty (to Jennifer): "What's his problem?"

Jennifer: "Actually Marty, I wanted to talk to you about that."

Marty: "About what?"

Jennifer: "You hanging around with Dr. Brown."

Marty: "What about it?"

Jennifer: "It doesn't make any sense. Why would you be friends with him? You're 17 years old. He's in his 60's."

Marty: "Would you believe that it's because I'm interested in his science experiments?"

Jennifer: "No."

Marty: "Homosexual relationship?"

Jennifer: "Nope."

Marty: "He has really good drugs."

Jennifer: "Ohhhhhh! Why didn't you say so?"

Friday, January 9, 2009

Footloose

Rusty: "Did you hear about Ren?"

Lori: "No, what happened?"

Rusty: "Willard was out by the MacFarlan's barn last night smokin' a joint and he said he saw Ren drive up and just start dancing by himself, for hours."

Lori: "Maybe he's practicing or something."

Rusty: "No, Willard said there wasn't any music or anything. He said that Ren was just dancing and running around and that at one point he just started jumping off things and doing gymnastics."

Lori: "Damn, what a fucking loser!"

Thursday, January 8, 2009

The Karate Kid

Jennifer: "So Ali, are you gonna go to the Halloween dance with Daniel?"

Ali: "You mean the new kid that lives in the low rent apartments who's constantly doing chores for that crazy old Japanese man?"

Jennifer: "Ummm...yes?"

Ali: "Why would I go to the dance with him? Do you have any idea how rich my parents are?"

Jennifer: "I thought he had won your heart."

Ali: "Won my heart? Jennifer, Johnny is the best looking guy in school, his parents are richer than mine, and he has an awesome car. You want me to leave all that for the poor kid that he keeps beating up?"

Jennifer: "Yeah, why not?"

Ali: "I'm 18, I've got fucking standards!"

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

M.A.S.H.

Klinger: "Something troubling you Hawkeye?"

Hawkeye: "Well, I didn't want to say anything..."

Klinger: "What's going on old buddy?"

Hawkeye: "I'm a little disturbed by something. You see, the Korean War only lasted three years."

Klinger: "And?"

Hawkeye: "Klinger, we've been here for 11 years."

Klinger: "You know I thought this tour was a bit long."

Hawkeye: "Where do all these wounded people keep coming from?"

Klinger: "I don't know, but that laugh track is scaring the shit out of me."

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

24

Tony: "Fifteen nuclear bombs just went off on fifteen separate buses in the downtown area. We've gotta catch this guy before it gets any worse."

Jack: "Any worse? Are you kidding me? Everyone I have ever loved is dead and this city is under constant terrorist attack because the President is inexplicably always in town, even though he lives on the other side of the country."

Tony: "You seem down."

Jack: "Ya think? I've saved this country and the president several times and at least once a year, you bastards throw handcuffs on me and haul me away like I'm some kind of traitor. I'm feeling a little fucking under appreciated."

Audry: "At least we're together again!"

Jack: "I've been cheating on you."

Monday, January 5, 2009

Gossip Girl

Blair: "Excuse me bartender, I'll have a dirty martini and my friend will have a..."

Chuck: "Scotch, rocks."

Bartender: "You're fucking kidding me right?"

Chuck: "What?"

Bartender: "I'm not serving two 16-year-olds. You think I want to go to jail?"

Blair: "That's ridiculous, we're not 16."

Bartender (to the other bartender): "HEY HENRY, TAKE A LOOK AT THIS SHIT, THESE TWO KIDS THINK I'M GONNA SERVE THEM."

Chuck: "Hey, there's no need to make a scene."

Bartender: "You know, usually kids wait till they're at least 18 to start sneaking into bars, and even then they sneak into hole-in-the-wall places that need the business. The drinks here cost $40 a piece, we don't need fucking kids in here, get the fuck out!"

Chuck: "Come Blair, this guy obviously doesn't know who we are."

Bartender: "Let me tell you something you little shit, guys like you are passed around like candy in prison, and that's exactly where you're headed, and your little girlfriend is headed straight for the bottom of the porn industry if she isn't careful."

Sunday, January 4, 2009

This Is OUR Jurisdiction

How it happens in the movies:

FBI Agent (to police on scene): "You're relieved of your command, this is our jurisdiction now."

Police Officer: "Like hell it is! This is my crime scene! You can take your jurisdiction and shove it up your ass!"

Reality:

FBI Agent (to police on scene): "You're relieved of your command, this is our jurisdiction now."

Police Officer: "Thank God! I thought you guys were never going to show up. If I don't take my kid to soccer practice tonight my wife is going to be pissed. See ya!"

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Thank You Comedy Goddess

Thank you so much to You have to be a Comedy Goddess To Endure for sending me this award. Of course these awards come with conditions. Apparently I must write down six random things about myself. Here goes:

1. I was part of the crew on the Kings Pointer training vessel that found the wreckage of Egypt Air Flight 990 on October 31, 1999. That was an interesting day.

2. I was almost killed at a casino in the Ukraine when I was 19 years old.

3. My favorite place that I have ever been is Constantza, Romania. I was only there for eight hours.

4. I can quote any scene from the movie Point Break by heart.

5. I was an extra in a failed television pilot for Aquaman which would have starred Lou Diamond Phillips, Ving Rhames, and Justin Hartley, the guy who plays the Green Arrow on Smallville.

6. I once let Colin Farrell into traffic in Coconut Grove while he was there filming Miami Vice.
Copyright (c) 2008-2009 http://crudeandfeckless.blogspot.com/ by Kevin McDonald

Friday, January 2, 2009

Saved By The Bell

Zach: "Listen Screech, something weird is going on at this school."

Screech: "Is this about who you're taking to the school dance?"

Zach: "No, I'm being serious, there's some weird shit going on and you're the only one I can trust."

Screech: "What are you talking about?"

Zach: "For one thing, have you noticed that there are only 15 kids in this entire school? It's you, me, A.C., Jessica, Kelly, Lisa, and nine other kids that nobody knows. I think it's even a different nine kids everyday, and the only time you see the other students is in the hallway."

Screech: "I think you're getting paranoid."

Zach: "Also, have you noticed that our classes are only two minutes long? We sit down, make a couple of jokes, the teacher gets out one sentence, and bam, the bell rings. Don't you think that's odd?"

Screech: "I just hope you get better before the big school dance! I hear Kelly really wants you to ask her to it."

Zach: "That's another thing! Why are all the girls at this school superhot 21-year-olds? Do you know that I even heard a rumor that Jessica's been stripping in Vegas?"

Screech: "I'd hit that!"

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Still Don't Have A Name For This Decade!!!

I can't believe we are almost at the end of this decade and we still don't have a name for it, like the 80's or 90's.

People say "oh well it's the aughts or it's the 2000's." I call bullshit. We never decided on anything. Nothing ever became part of the common vernacular.

When we refer to this decade in the future we're going to have to refer to a specific year. Like, "I remember back in '06." We won't be able to do the always reliable, "thing's were so great in the 90's" for this decade.

What's even more disturbing is that next decade will have a similar problem. We could potentially call it the "teens" but we won't even be able to start doing that until 2013. So what does that make 2010 - 2012? Chopped liver?

I guess it doesn't matter anyway. The Mayans have already predicted that it will all end in 2012.

Then again I tried as hard as I could to convince my mom that the world was going to end in 1999.

She didn't buy it.

Happy New Year!

HAPPY 2009!

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,

And never brought to mind?

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,

And auld lang syne?

Let's hope this is a good one.